Earlier this month I took the opportunity to share what it was like to come to prison for the first time…
But now I'd like to share about a foolish thing I did during those early years which actually came about because of my struggle with rejection which began in childhood.
Ever since I was about five years old I struggled with feelings of guilt and rejection. This is a story for another time. But fearing rejection I apparently developed an obsessive need to win the approval of others at all cost.
As I grew into adolescence and then into early adulthood, I became a chronic people-pleaser. I had no awareness of it back then, but as I got older I began to realize the source of my struggles. I especially felt the need to please authority figures, and to be liked and accepted by them.
I never had any difficulty making friends. I was never a "loner" as it has so often been said about me on crime shows, and by the media. But I was paranoid that friends would leave me. I therefore felt that I had to earn their approval. This turned out to be a recipe for problems later in life.
My unhealthy desire to be accepted and to please others made me an easy target for psychological control and manipulation. If one could accept what I am saying from the vantage point of the insight I have today, it can be seen just how easy I was to control, even to the point of being brainwashed.
While I was at Attica, for example, in the interviews I gave to various media people, I basically followed their leading and told them what I sensed they wanted me to say. Their nods of approval and their smiles kept me talking. I'm not accusing them of bad intent, but in hindsight I realize I was seeking their approval.
The same was true when one day three FBI agents showed up at the prison wanting to speak with me. I wasn't expecting them and I declined to see them. But the Superintendent of Attica at the time, the late Harold J. Smith, actually left his office to come to my housing area to try and persuade me to meet with them. Reluctantly I went. It was a big mistake.
I found myself trapped in a room with the three agents. They told me about a study they were doing and asked me what the Son of Sam crimes were about. Nervously I tried to explain how the devil had, over the process of time, managed to take control of me. In my mind I saw the crimes as sacrifices to "Sam," I told them that a diabolical entity known as "Samhain," needed and wanted human blood. At the time I was completely convinced of this.
I was also going to tell them about the pact I made with Satan and how I was utterly convinced that he and his demons were speaking through various individuals, and even through animals. But as I began to explain all this, to my dismay one of the FBI agents immediately started to throw a temper tantrum. He yelled at me and thereby shut me down.
I was scared because I was alone with these men in an isolated area. I was tempted to get up and bolt out of the room, but foolishly I stayed. I was still a "new jack" in the system and didn't know how to be as assertive as I should have been.
Within no time my unconscious need for approval took over and I weakly surrendered to their wills. Being insecure I did not possess the mental strength to leave. I also realized they were not interested in the truth. I tried to tell them about the satanic aspects to the Son of Sam case, but that was not what they wanted to hear.
Realizing these men were not at all interested in what I had to say but merely wanted me to agree to whatever they already believed, I foolishly surrendered my will to them. I regret this. Looking back, it was an utter waste of time.
Like a dummy, I allowed my will to be taken over. I merely agreed to whatever they said and told them what I sensed they wanted to hear. Lost was the opportunity to expose evil and to explain the true motivations for the Son of Sam crimes. My craving for approval and my then weak mind allowed them to rule over my spirit.
I had a lot of growing up to do. Thankfully, with God's help my shortcoming of compulsive people-pleasing is over.
D. B.
Ever since I was about five years old I struggled with feelings of guilt and rejection. This is a story for another time. But fearing rejection I apparently developed an obsessive need to win the approval of others at all cost.
As I grew into adolescence and then into early adulthood, I became a chronic people-pleaser. I had no awareness of it back then, but as I got older I began to realize the source of my struggles. I especially felt the need to please authority figures, and to be liked and accepted by them.
I never had any difficulty making friends. I was never a "loner" as it has so often been said about me on crime shows, and by the media. But I was paranoid that friends would leave me. I therefore felt that I had to earn their approval. This turned out to be a recipe for problems later in life.
My unhealthy desire to be accepted and to please others made me an easy target for psychological control and manipulation. If one could accept what I am saying from the vantage point of the insight I have today, it can be seen just how easy I was to control, even to the point of being brainwashed.
While I was at Attica, for example, in the interviews I gave to various media people, I basically followed their leading and told them what I sensed they wanted me to say. Their nods of approval and their smiles kept me talking. I'm not accusing them of bad intent, but in hindsight I realize I was seeking their approval.
The same was true when one day three FBI agents showed up at the prison wanting to speak with me. I wasn't expecting them and I declined to see them. But the Superintendent of Attica at the time, the late Harold J. Smith, actually left his office to come to my housing area to try and persuade me to meet with them. Reluctantly I went. It was a big mistake.
I found myself trapped in a room with the three agents. They told me about a study they were doing and asked me what the Son of Sam crimes were about. Nervously I tried to explain how the devil had, over the process of time, managed to take control of me. In my mind I saw the crimes as sacrifices to "Sam," I told them that a diabolical entity known as "Samhain," needed and wanted human blood. At the time I was completely convinced of this.
I was also going to tell them about the pact I made with Satan and how I was utterly convinced that he and his demons were speaking through various individuals, and even through animals. But as I began to explain all this, to my dismay one of the FBI agents immediately started to throw a temper tantrum. He yelled at me and thereby shut me down.
I was scared because I was alone with these men in an isolated area. I was tempted to get up and bolt out of the room, but foolishly I stayed. I was still a "new jack" in the system and didn't know how to be as assertive as I should have been.
Within no time my unconscious need for approval took over and I weakly surrendered to their wills. Being insecure I did not possess the mental strength to leave. I also realized they were not interested in the truth. I tried to tell them about the satanic aspects to the Son of Sam case, but that was not what they wanted to hear.
Realizing these men were not at all interested in what I had to say but merely wanted me to agree to whatever they already believed, I foolishly surrendered my will to them. I regret this. Looking back, it was an utter waste of time.
Like a dummy, I allowed my will to be taken over. I merely agreed to whatever they said and told them what I sensed they wanted to hear. Lost was the opportunity to expose evil and to explain the true motivations for the Son of Sam crimes. My craving for approval and my then weak mind allowed them to rule over my spirit.
I had a lot of growing up to do. Thankfully, with God's help my shortcoming of compulsive people-pleasing is over.
D. B.
RSS Feed