Yesterday I wrote about my experience with the first emotion on my list, "disbelief"...
Today, however, I want to share about the other five. As I previously wrote, there are six cycles that every prisoner will encounter during his incarceration. While the order may at times vary, he will at some point have to deal with all of them.
After disbelief, "This cannot be happening." "It's all a bad dream." "They got the wrong guy!" will come denial, which is the refusal to admit the truth that one is guilty. That a crime was committed, and he was arrested and ultimately convicted for it, and no amount of protesting his innocence will matter. He's in prison, and he's stuck.
The next emotion will be anger. He will lash out at the judge, the prosecutor, his own lawyers, and the witnesses whom he insists lied on the stand. He may even lash out at his own family for "not doing enough" to help him.
But one's anger can also turn inward as it did with me. Although unconscious of it at the time, I was angry for allowing myself to be used as a force for evil, by permitting the powers of darkness to possess my soul. This is something that only those who have experienced such a thing could understand and relate to.
As a result of my unrecognized anger I did things to punish myself. One of which was destroying the once beautiful relationship I had with my birth family. I burned bridges by lashing out at them, when my anger was really with myself. It was clearly self-destructive behavior.
Then comes acceptance. In my case it came about gradually over the course of a number of years. It was the realization that for me it was life in prison, and no amount of wishing could change it. There would be no appeals, nor ways to make amends. My fate was sealed. I had no choice but to accept it.
Over time I began to accept responsibility of the fact that I committed horrific crimes which resulted in the loss of innocent lives as well as leaving God knows how many people grieving. There were those who'd been seriously injured, too.
While the last one in the cycle is "moving on." Although it has been a long and painful journey, I believe that with God's help I have learned to move on with my life. Having asked Jesus Christ to please forgive me for all my sins and to come into my heart, a new life has begun.
My coming to faith in Christ has not only brought forgiveness, it has also saved me from my self-destructive behaviors and suicidal thoughts which plagued me since childhood.
The emotional cycles of incarceration are real. Everyone in prison goes through them. Sadly, however, many remain bound by them, and are trapped. If not for the Lord and His divine intervention I would be trapped, as well.
D. B.
After disbelief, "This cannot be happening." "It's all a bad dream." "They got the wrong guy!" will come denial, which is the refusal to admit the truth that one is guilty. That a crime was committed, and he was arrested and ultimately convicted for it, and no amount of protesting his innocence will matter. He's in prison, and he's stuck.
The next emotion will be anger. He will lash out at the judge, the prosecutor, his own lawyers, and the witnesses whom he insists lied on the stand. He may even lash out at his own family for "not doing enough" to help him.
But one's anger can also turn inward as it did with me. Although unconscious of it at the time, I was angry for allowing myself to be used as a force for evil, by permitting the powers of darkness to possess my soul. This is something that only those who have experienced such a thing could understand and relate to.
As a result of my unrecognized anger I did things to punish myself. One of which was destroying the once beautiful relationship I had with my birth family. I burned bridges by lashing out at them, when my anger was really with myself. It was clearly self-destructive behavior.
Then comes acceptance. In my case it came about gradually over the course of a number of years. It was the realization that for me it was life in prison, and no amount of wishing could change it. There would be no appeals, nor ways to make amends. My fate was sealed. I had no choice but to accept it.
Over time I began to accept responsibility of the fact that I committed horrific crimes which resulted in the loss of innocent lives as well as leaving God knows how many people grieving. There were those who'd been seriously injured, too.
While the last one in the cycle is "moving on." Although it has been a long and painful journey, I believe that with God's help I have learned to move on with my life. Having asked Jesus Christ to please forgive me for all my sins and to come into my heart, a new life has begun.
My coming to faith in Christ has not only brought forgiveness, it has also saved me from my self-destructive behaviors and suicidal thoughts which plagued me since childhood.
The emotional cycles of incarceration are real. Everyone in prison goes through them. Sadly, however, many remain bound by them, and are trapped. If not for the Lord and His divine intervention I would be trapped, as well.
D. B.
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