Today marks forty years since my Mother, Pearl, died of cancer at the age of 52...
| It's hard for me to believe that I have actually outlived her. I've never completely gotten over her death, either. I was fourteen at the time, and for many years I was angry at God; I wished to die as well and be buried alongside her. Not a day goes by that I do not mourn for my mother. She's in my thoughts continually. And being in prison makes it hard for me to grieve because I cannot visit her gravesite. |  |
When I first learned that my mother was sick I ran from her. The doctors at a well known New York City hospital which specializes in treating those with cancer told my father that his wife had about six months to live. She lasted only four months, however. And being the emotionally immature child that I was, I could not cope with the thought of my mother dying.
Too bad I chose to run from the situation instead of allowing the truth to draw me closer to my mom. It was an act of what I now realize was self-preservation, and I regret it. Then, when my mother died, my life crumbled. I tried to hold on for awhile and I lived in denial. I even began to do good in school for a change. But none of this lasted for long. I'd eventually resume my self-destructive behavior patterns. I would do okay for a time and then ruin things. I'd do self-sabotaging acts in school and I'd also cut out in anger within the realm of my neighborhood. I could see all this very clearly now that I'm older.
Today, as and adult who's been through many years of imprisonment, what I have learned is that life is fleeting. Death comes too quickly for most of us and we're not fully prepared emotionally when someone close to us passes away. So it's important not to leave certain things undone or words unsaid. I wish I could go back and undo my mistakes. I'd have spent more time with my mother during her final weeks. I'd have told her, over and over, how much I truly loved her. This was something I seldom if ever did while she was alive. And I would apologize for all the times I may have failed or disappointed her.
Unfortunately, I left too much unsaid and undone, and my mother left this world no doubt feeling bewildered by my aloofness, uncertain of how I would fare once she was gone. She was missing me and I just wasn't there for her. While my mom wasted away on a hospital bed with dying people all around her on a ward for the terminally ill, I tried to force myself to forget about her. I'd run wild in the streets and, without her supervision, I would oftentimes be truant from school.
My mother's death taught me a vital lesson. Make peace with your loved ones while they're still alive. Don't be embarrassed to say those words of love and appreciation while you can, or you will regret it later on when they're gone. Their passing will be much harder on you if you've neglected to say "I love you."
And since many people do die suddenly and unexpectedly, affirm your love for them often. Always be willing as well to forgive someone or to seek forgiveness from them as soon as you can. If you do this then you can avoid many years of regret and self-torment afterwards.
D.B.
Too bad I chose to run from the situation instead of allowing the truth to draw me closer to my mom. It was an act of what I now realize was self-preservation, and I regret it. Then, when my mother died, my life crumbled. I tried to hold on for awhile and I lived in denial. I even began to do good in school for a change. But none of this lasted for long. I'd eventually resume my self-destructive behavior patterns. I would do okay for a time and then ruin things. I'd do self-sabotaging acts in school and I'd also cut out in anger within the realm of my neighborhood. I could see all this very clearly now that I'm older.
Today, as and adult who's been through many years of imprisonment, what I have learned is that life is fleeting. Death comes too quickly for most of us and we're not fully prepared emotionally when someone close to us passes away. So it's important not to leave certain things undone or words unsaid. I wish I could go back and undo my mistakes. I'd have spent more time with my mother during her final weeks. I'd have told her, over and over, how much I truly loved her. This was something I seldom if ever did while she was alive. And I would apologize for all the times I may have failed or disappointed her.
Unfortunately, I left too much unsaid and undone, and my mother left this world no doubt feeling bewildered by my aloofness, uncertain of how I would fare once she was gone. She was missing me and I just wasn't there for her. While my mom wasted away on a hospital bed with dying people all around her on a ward for the terminally ill, I tried to force myself to forget about her. I'd run wild in the streets and, without her supervision, I would oftentimes be truant from school.
My mother's death taught me a vital lesson. Make peace with your loved ones while they're still alive. Don't be embarrassed to say those words of love and appreciation while you can, or you will regret it later on when they're gone. Their passing will be much harder on you if you've neglected to say "I love you."
And since many people do die suddenly and unexpectedly, affirm your love for them often. Always be willing as well to forgive someone or to seek forgiveness from them as soon as you can. If you do this then you can avoid many years of regret and self-torment afterwards.
D.B.
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