Barney* has always been on the fringe of Christian fellowship...
He's almost finished with a seven-year prison sentence for hurting his own children by abusing them physically. And, as I expected, he's not allowed to have contact with them anymore. They're currently living with his ex-wife while Barney struggles with guilt as well as a host of mental problems, some of which have plagued him since adolescence, while his mood swings and behavior remain erratic with only an occasional period of lucidity now and then.
I've known Barney for perhaps five years, and we've spoken many times since he first arrived at the prison. And while here, on a number of occasions, he'd begin to develop coping problems in which he would become depressed and possibly suicidal. So during these periods he would either be placed on a special watch in a cell at the facility's Mental Hygiene Unit, or he would be transferred to the Central New York Psychiatric Center in the town of Marcy, which is many miles away. Then, when he stabilized, they would return him to this place, and he would go back to E-North, which is where I work on weekday afternoons.
Barney is an obviously troubled and tormented young man. He would often try to steer our conversations to the subject of death. He's talented at drawing with pens and pencils, however, and he mostly draws pictures of angels and demons. But there are times when Barney would become energetic and talkative. Then he'd revert back to states of depression and despair.
There's definitely a war going on inside of Barney. In his mind, he wants to be good and behave himself. Yet he often acts up and lashes out impulsively without giving much thought to the consequences of his actions.
Presently, Barney is confined to his cell for thirty days as a result of a disciplinary infraction. For no apparent reason, he slugged another inmate, shattering the man's eyeglasses. Fortunately, he wasn't seriously hurt other than a few superficial cuts and a swollen face. But it was one more incident in which Barney engaged in self-sabotaging behavior. He took his anger and frustration out upon a man of smaller stature, who couldn't fight back.
So yesterday afternoon, when I went to work at the Intermediate Care Program, I found Barney with his face pressed against the bars at the front of his cell, looking sad and downcast. Then, when he saw me, Barney asked if we could talk for a while. During his more stable periods, we'd talk, and many times we would discuss spiritual matters.
For approximately thirty minutes, Barney and I engaged in a conversation about Jesus Christ. He seemed to perk up, too. Barney also reached for his Gideon Bible and asked me to let him read from it. I was overjoyed. And he read from a few well known passages of Scripture about a Christian's struggle between the "flesh" and the "Spirit."
Nevertheless, Barney remains a tough case. On rare occasions he'd suddenly show up at one of the Sunday worship services where the congregation would warmly embrace Barney. We'd always invited him back as well. Yet it would usually be several weeks or longer before we'd see him again. Thus, it is no surprise to me that Barney continues to struggle with sin and with emotional problems. He's never fully yielded himself to Jesus Christ. He's not grounded in the word of God either, although it was encouraging that he opened his Bible yesterday. But it takes more than this. Besides, I'm not even sure if he's actually "born again." Sadly, for Barney, his claim of having "faith" may be more of convenience than a genuine life-changing reality.
To me, Barney is like many who claim to believe in Christ, yet continue to remain on the fringe of fellowship. Like Barney, they go to church when they feel like it. They never commit themselves to the Lord, and prayer or reading from the Bible is something to do only when they feel a little down. And as a result, when the storms of life strike and troubles and problems assail them, those like Barney crumble. They have no foundation to rest their faith upon, or they simply had no faith altogether.
I've known Barney for a long time, and except for rare occasions, his life is mostly filled with doubts, fears, worries and temptations. Many times I've seen him trying to hide pornographic magazines from me too. Satan, I think, likes to use Barney as a punching bag. He's a tormented man. Still, the men in our fellowship continue to try to help him when we can. God, I believe, doesn't give up on people unless they don't want His help. So I'm not going to give up on Barney. His soul is worth the work and effort. There's always hope.
D.B.
*Barney is not his real name.
I've known Barney for perhaps five years, and we've spoken many times since he first arrived at the prison. And while here, on a number of occasions, he'd begin to develop coping problems in which he would become depressed and possibly suicidal. So during these periods he would either be placed on a special watch in a cell at the facility's Mental Hygiene Unit, or he would be transferred to the Central New York Psychiatric Center in the town of Marcy, which is many miles away. Then, when he stabilized, they would return him to this place, and he would go back to E-North, which is where I work on weekday afternoons.
Barney is an obviously troubled and tormented young man. He would often try to steer our conversations to the subject of death. He's talented at drawing with pens and pencils, however, and he mostly draws pictures of angels and demons. But there are times when Barney would become energetic and talkative. Then he'd revert back to states of depression and despair.
There's definitely a war going on inside of Barney. In his mind, he wants to be good and behave himself. Yet he often acts up and lashes out impulsively without giving much thought to the consequences of his actions.
Presently, Barney is confined to his cell for thirty days as a result of a disciplinary infraction. For no apparent reason, he slugged another inmate, shattering the man's eyeglasses. Fortunately, he wasn't seriously hurt other than a few superficial cuts and a swollen face. But it was one more incident in which Barney engaged in self-sabotaging behavior. He took his anger and frustration out upon a man of smaller stature, who couldn't fight back.
So yesterday afternoon, when I went to work at the Intermediate Care Program, I found Barney with his face pressed against the bars at the front of his cell, looking sad and downcast. Then, when he saw me, Barney asked if we could talk for a while. During his more stable periods, we'd talk, and many times we would discuss spiritual matters.
For approximately thirty minutes, Barney and I engaged in a conversation about Jesus Christ. He seemed to perk up, too. Barney also reached for his Gideon Bible and asked me to let him read from it. I was overjoyed. And he read from a few well known passages of Scripture about a Christian's struggle between the "flesh" and the "Spirit."
Nevertheless, Barney remains a tough case. On rare occasions he'd suddenly show up at one of the Sunday worship services where the congregation would warmly embrace Barney. We'd always invited him back as well. Yet it would usually be several weeks or longer before we'd see him again. Thus, it is no surprise to me that Barney continues to struggle with sin and with emotional problems. He's never fully yielded himself to Jesus Christ. He's not grounded in the word of God either, although it was encouraging that he opened his Bible yesterday. But it takes more than this. Besides, I'm not even sure if he's actually "born again." Sadly, for Barney, his claim of having "faith" may be more of convenience than a genuine life-changing reality.
To me, Barney is like many who claim to believe in Christ, yet continue to remain on the fringe of fellowship. Like Barney, they go to church when they feel like it. They never commit themselves to the Lord, and prayer or reading from the Bible is something to do only when they feel a little down. And as a result, when the storms of life strike and troubles and problems assail them, those like Barney crumble. They have no foundation to rest their faith upon, or they simply had no faith altogether.
I've known Barney for a long time, and except for rare occasions, his life is mostly filled with doubts, fears, worries and temptations. Many times I've seen him trying to hide pornographic magazines from me too. Satan, I think, likes to use Barney as a punching bag. He's a tormented man. Still, the men in our fellowship continue to try to help him when we can. God, I believe, doesn't give up on people unless they don't want His help. So I'm not going to give up on Barney. His soul is worth the work and effort. There's always hope.
D.B.
*Barney is not his real name.
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