This sounds like a strange title for a journal entry, and it is. However it happens to be true, because there really are people who look at me with lust in their eyes...
But I am not referring to sexual lust. Rather it is the greedy desire a person has towards me, to use me for his or her own gain. Often it is someone who will write hoping to get a letter back from me to sell. Other times an individual will try to use his association with me as a means to obtaining fame and recognition, and to advance themselves in the eyes of their colleagues, be they media people, psychologists, criminologists, etc.
And this is becoming more clear to me than ever before, especially in light of yesterday's journal entry. In this instance, a college professor, whom, it is obvious to me now, was trying to use me as a stepping-stone to getting on television and thereby hoping to make a name for himself as a man who claims to know truth. As a person who wishes to be admired among faculty and students at the college he teaches at.
In his case I was allowed to think I was indirectly communicating with his students to hopefully expand their knowledge of the criminal justice system and what prison is like, when in fact, he had his own agenda to amass material for a book he was writing.
Looking at me lustfully, he simply wanted to profit from our relationship, which in my opinion was a superficial one to begin with.
Of course the professor, to provide an exaggerated impression of himself to the media, made them think he was my confessor, someone I gave lots of information to. When in reality I discussed almost nothing with him about my crimes or the so called "Son of Sam" case.
Nevertheless, his lust for fame and fortune got the better of him. He visited me only one time. Yet before he arrived at the prison to see me for the first and only time, he had without my knowledge already notified a particular media outlet that he was coming to see me. However he did not inform me of this fact until he and I were well into our visit. Furthermore, he had people from this media outlet waiting for him upon his return to New York City. How underhanded!
Yes, the dear professor got the media attention he craved. He got a microphone placed in front of his lips and a couple of cameras pointed at his face. But as fate would have it, according to a few friends who saw the interview, he was given a measly less than four minutes of air time. His dream of a big splash became nothing more than a brief blurb sandwiched between an hour's worth of other news.
For me, however, it was yet another learning experience. Through this event the Lord revealed to me how very dark and selfish the human heart can be. And I am no better. As I need my own heart to be cleansed as well. This is what confession to God and repentance is all about - seeing ourselves as we really are, fallen creatures, asking the Lord to help us to change, and to turn from our selfish and scheming ways.
All of us, especially those who serve in various respected professions, would easily fall into the trap of seeking the limelight and wanting to be noticed - that we're smarter than our peers and colleagues, and have something more important to say than everyone else. I call it being self-centered and conceited.
Yet I also know this individual meant me no harm. But in the process of seeking recognition for himself, he merely ended up giving out a lot of incorrect information. He also made some ridiculous conclusions as to the motivating factors for my crimes. Sadly, he was a smart man who said dumb things.
Now, however, I need to forgive him because this is what, the Lord Jesus Christ wants me to do. Christ said, "You must freely forgive others for their trespasses against you, just as I have freely forgiven you for all the many sins you've committed against Me (my paraphrase)." But this says it all. Forgive and forget. And so with God's help, I will.
D. B.
And this is becoming more clear to me than ever before, especially in light of yesterday's journal entry. In this instance, a college professor, whom, it is obvious to me now, was trying to use me as a stepping-stone to getting on television and thereby hoping to make a name for himself as a man who claims to know truth. As a person who wishes to be admired among faculty and students at the college he teaches at.
In his case I was allowed to think I was indirectly communicating with his students to hopefully expand their knowledge of the criminal justice system and what prison is like, when in fact, he had his own agenda to amass material for a book he was writing.
Looking at me lustfully, he simply wanted to profit from our relationship, which in my opinion was a superficial one to begin with.
Of course the professor, to provide an exaggerated impression of himself to the media, made them think he was my confessor, someone I gave lots of information to. When in reality I discussed almost nothing with him about my crimes or the so called "Son of Sam" case.
Nevertheless, his lust for fame and fortune got the better of him. He visited me only one time. Yet before he arrived at the prison to see me for the first and only time, he had without my knowledge already notified a particular media outlet that he was coming to see me. However he did not inform me of this fact until he and I were well into our visit. Furthermore, he had people from this media outlet waiting for him upon his return to New York City. How underhanded!
Yes, the dear professor got the media attention he craved. He got a microphone placed in front of his lips and a couple of cameras pointed at his face. But as fate would have it, according to a few friends who saw the interview, he was given a measly less than four minutes of air time. His dream of a big splash became nothing more than a brief blurb sandwiched between an hour's worth of other news.
For me, however, it was yet another learning experience. Through this event the Lord revealed to me how very dark and selfish the human heart can be. And I am no better. As I need my own heart to be cleansed as well. This is what confession to God and repentance is all about - seeing ourselves as we really are, fallen creatures, asking the Lord to help us to change, and to turn from our selfish and scheming ways.
All of us, especially those who serve in various respected professions, would easily fall into the trap of seeking the limelight and wanting to be noticed - that we're smarter than our peers and colleagues, and have something more important to say than everyone else. I call it being self-centered and conceited.
Yet I also know this individual meant me no harm. But in the process of seeking recognition for himself, he merely ended up giving out a lot of incorrect information. He also made some ridiculous conclusions as to the motivating factors for my crimes. Sadly, he was a smart man who said dumb things.
Now, however, I need to forgive him because this is what, the Lord Jesus Christ wants me to do. Christ said, "You must freely forgive others for their trespasses against you, just as I have freely forgiven you for all the many sins you've committed against Me (my paraphrase)." But this says it all. Forgive and forget. And so with God's help, I will.
D. B.
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