And I [the Lord] will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...
Joel 2:25a
New York is undergoing a record-breaking heat wave...
Joel 2:25a
New York is undergoing a record-breaking heat wave...
The temperature has been hovering at 100 degrees the past few days, with no end in sight. I am sitting in my cell dripping with sweat because inside this building it is about 110!
Earlier today, however, I was talking with some of the guys. We were discussing our lives, just reminiscing in a very casual way about the situations and circumstances that got us into prison, looking back and thinking about all the years that have gone by, the lost relationships, homes, jobs, etc.
As I have mentioned before, I have already spent half of my life in prison. I came to jail when I was twenty-four, and now I'm forty-eight. A few of my friends were discussing their sentences, as well as some of the people and things they lost because of the crimes they committed, and the fact that they had to leave it all behind when they came here. Our discussion was really therapeutic, though that was not our original intention. The four of us just started talking, and it developed into something of an impromptu group therapy session.
We then began to talk about punishment. This is a big issue nowadays, especially for the politicians. We inmates are well aware that the public has shifted from their ideas of encouraging rehabilitation, to focusing on punishment. There seems to be an emphasis on making it harder for prisoners, taking things away and making life more difficult physically, and even mentally. But as the four of us discussed the aspect of punishment, we all came to the conclusion that the worst punishment any prisoner can endure is what we inflict upon ourselves.
We have truly punished ourselves far more than the state has, for there is a pain much worse than being confined to a cell, of being deprived of certain freedoms, or of having to eat unappetizing food. There is an ongoing punishment that comes with a guilty conscience. I believe God has placed a conscience in everyone, and in prison, as I know from my own life and from what others have told me, a guilty conscience hurts. There is an inner pain that is so intense, so suffocating, that all the macho role-playing, living in denial, or trying to stay busy cannot silence. This is a pain that can eat away at someone like a cancer, and it stems from a guilty conscience. This pain goes beyond a prisoner having to live with the knowledge that he has hurt someone else, or maybe even taken one or more innocent lives, as I have. Although there is much torment in that knowledge, there is still more. There is the haunting pain of knowing he has thrown away his life and ruined his relationships.
Coming to prison has caused men to lose their wives, children, parents, and friends. So many inmates have lost their spouses in divorce. Court orders have severed all contact with their flesh-and-blood children. Parents are left to grow old alone. Now they live with the torment of being marked "felons," knowing that criminal record will follow like a dark shadow, all the days of their lives.
Then there is the sickening sense of failure that eats away at a convict. While some may be better than others at denying or hiding it, all prisoners know deep in their hearts that they have failed and betrayed their families. And they know that their lives, to this point, have been a waste. That is an agonizing and punishing thought. In the deepest part of a prisoner's mind, he knows he has not reached his fullest potential; he has not fulfilled the purpose for which he was placed on this earth. Furthermore, he knows that his life, for the most part, has amounted to nothing.
Finally, a prisoner knows he should be working and supporting his family. But now he must sit in a prison cell for ten, fifteen, twenty, or more years, with his conscience whispering to him every day, "Failure! Failure! Failure!" Thus, a prisoner is forced to live with such an array of punishments. He has to face a painful reality that must be confronted every time he wakes up in the morning and sees the cell bars, and every night when those cell doors close and the main lights go out.
I know, as well as any, the pain and anguish of having to face myself in the mirror. I am not talking about a pity party, but rather a sober, self-examination of the destructive, pathological, and antisocial life I led in the past. But I also know that any prisoner who truly desires to change and leave his life of crime and failure behind and become a better person must first face himself and listen to his conscience. In fact, I believe everyone must do this if they want to become Christians, for Christianity begins with a divine call to repentance and restitution. There is a mandate to each of us to do as much good with our lives as possible, and to make amends for the past, wherever and whenever we can. And that begins by facing the truth about ourselves.
For a man to choose to confront his own wickedness, and to honestly come to terms with himself, is painful. Then, to want to change, and actually begin the process, is difficult. In fact, it is impossible without God's help. Yet it is at this time, when the truth is faced and admitted, that God can truly begin to do a work of healing and restoration in a prisoner's life.
Over time many of the good things a prisoner once had can be restored. Repentance is the start of this new beginning, even if the new beginning happens late in life. In the end it will all be worth it.
D.B.
Earlier today, however, I was talking with some of the guys. We were discussing our lives, just reminiscing in a very casual way about the situations and circumstances that got us into prison, looking back and thinking about all the years that have gone by, the lost relationships, homes, jobs, etc.
As I have mentioned before, I have already spent half of my life in prison. I came to jail when I was twenty-four, and now I'm forty-eight. A few of my friends were discussing their sentences, as well as some of the people and things they lost because of the crimes they committed, and the fact that they had to leave it all behind when they came here. Our discussion was really therapeutic, though that was not our original intention. The four of us just started talking, and it developed into something of an impromptu group therapy session.
We then began to talk about punishment. This is a big issue nowadays, especially for the politicians. We inmates are well aware that the public has shifted from their ideas of encouraging rehabilitation, to focusing on punishment. There seems to be an emphasis on making it harder for prisoners, taking things away and making life more difficult physically, and even mentally. But as the four of us discussed the aspect of punishment, we all came to the conclusion that the worst punishment any prisoner can endure is what we inflict upon ourselves.
We have truly punished ourselves far more than the state has, for there is a pain much worse than being confined to a cell, of being deprived of certain freedoms, or of having to eat unappetizing food. There is an ongoing punishment that comes with a guilty conscience. I believe God has placed a conscience in everyone, and in prison, as I know from my own life and from what others have told me, a guilty conscience hurts. There is an inner pain that is so intense, so suffocating, that all the macho role-playing, living in denial, or trying to stay busy cannot silence. This is a pain that can eat away at someone like a cancer, and it stems from a guilty conscience. This pain goes beyond a prisoner having to live with the knowledge that he has hurt someone else, or maybe even taken one or more innocent lives, as I have. Although there is much torment in that knowledge, there is still more. There is the haunting pain of knowing he has thrown away his life and ruined his relationships.
Coming to prison has caused men to lose their wives, children, parents, and friends. So many inmates have lost their spouses in divorce. Court orders have severed all contact with their flesh-and-blood children. Parents are left to grow old alone. Now they live with the torment of being marked "felons," knowing that criminal record will follow like a dark shadow, all the days of their lives.
Then there is the sickening sense of failure that eats away at a convict. While some may be better than others at denying or hiding it, all prisoners know deep in their hearts that they have failed and betrayed their families. And they know that their lives, to this point, have been a waste. That is an agonizing and punishing thought. In the deepest part of a prisoner's mind, he knows he has not reached his fullest potential; he has not fulfilled the purpose for which he was placed on this earth. Furthermore, he knows that his life, for the most part, has amounted to nothing.
Finally, a prisoner knows he should be working and supporting his family. But now he must sit in a prison cell for ten, fifteen, twenty, or more years, with his conscience whispering to him every day, "Failure! Failure! Failure!" Thus, a prisoner is forced to live with such an array of punishments. He has to face a painful reality that must be confronted every time he wakes up in the morning and sees the cell bars, and every night when those cell doors close and the main lights go out.
I know, as well as any, the pain and anguish of having to face myself in the mirror. I am not talking about a pity party, but rather a sober, self-examination of the destructive, pathological, and antisocial life I led in the past. But I also know that any prisoner who truly desires to change and leave his life of crime and failure behind and become a better person must first face himself and listen to his conscience. In fact, I believe everyone must do this if they want to become Christians, for Christianity begins with a divine call to repentance and restitution. There is a mandate to each of us to do as much good with our lives as possible, and to make amends for the past, wherever and whenever we can. And that begins by facing the truth about ourselves.
For a man to choose to confront his own wickedness, and to honestly come to terms with himself, is painful. Then, to want to change, and actually begin the process, is difficult. In fact, it is impossible without God's help. Yet it is at this time, when the truth is faced and admitted, that God can truly begin to do a work of healing and restoration in a prisoner's life.
Over time many of the good things a prisoner once had can be restored. Repentance is the start of this new beginning, even if the new beginning happens late in life. In the end it will all be worth it.
D.B.