March 2010

I believe the Lord has a sense of humor, and so do I. Honestly, I am not being sarcastic here. I'm even laughing as I write this. But I am now experiencing a degree of freedom which I've not had in a handful of years.

As I wrote in yesterday's journal, I have been released from the bondage of being the church's worship leader and inmate pastor. Of course I may have to return to one or both of these positions some day. But, for now, I can say with gladness, "Thank the Almighty God, I'm free at last!"

It's a new beginning for me. I believe, as well, that little by little, the Lord is going to take me to heights I have never been before. Correspondingly, however, at the same time there will be many trials, temptations and battles to face. I won't be floating on a cloud, that's for sure. But it will be, for me, a season to march forward in the strength and power of the Holy Spirit.

In addition, I now hereby declare myself free from the bondages and restrictions of well-meaning men whom, while I love them deeply, do not understand the vision I have. They are God-fearing men who love Jesus Christ. Yet they cannot at this time grasp the understanding of the calling God has upon my life. But it's okay. In time they will understand.

D.B.

I'm starting to get refreshed in body, mind and spirit. My strength is returning, although I'm sure I still have a long ways to go. Hopefully, however, the prolonged period of exhaustion and chronic fatigue that I've been in is now coming to an end.

In addition, I am excited about what the Lord has in store for me, and finding out the ways He is going to use my life for His good pleasure and glory. I pray, too, that I will be faithful to whatever God's wants, and that I will always be yielded to His perfect will. I know, of course, that no weapon that forms itself against me shall prosper. This is a promise for every child of God (Isaiah 54:17). The Lord has made me for victory, not for defeat.

Also, along these lines, I am working hard to complete my journal entries for the second half of last year. I've been behind, and this is my fault. As a result of too many church and chapel responsibilities and alike, I've had to leave several youth ministries hanging because I was unable to complete the messages and exhortations I wanted to give them. I apologized for this.

But it has indeed been a long season where the going has been slow and where I have found myself falling behind with writing projects. Yet now a big load is being removed from my shoulders and I'm ready to go forward. For the first time in many months, I can truly say, "I feel good!"

D.B.

Today I saw the face of mercy. Approximately two dozen members of the Manhattan Grace Tabernacle Church from New York City were here to conduct an evangelistic outreach. These men and women gathered in the prison's chapel along with about forty prisoners. They try to come here at least twice per year, and the men always look forward to it.

As usual, we had a soul-stirring inspirational time as the Manhattan Grace Tabernacle's choir sang a slew of praise and worship songs. The service went from 12:45 to 3 P.M. I was happy being with these Christians who voluntarily made the long trip just because they love us, and they love God.

Pastor Luis Rivera gave us a message about Christ's dying on the cross for our sins, and being resurrected from the grave on the third day, thus conquering sin and death forever. He also explained that we are saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8-9), and that Jesus is the only way to heaven (John 14:6). I was taking notes, as I often do.

For me, being among volunteers from the outside who are friendly, caring and compassionate is refreshing. It's definitely not the norm in here as prison is mostly an uncaring and unfriendly place.

Then, when it was time for our guests to leave and for the service to come to an end, I was sad. I won't see these precious people again for many more months. Nevertheless, I left the chapel feeling renewed and re-energized in my soul and spirit. Yes, seeing the countenances of these simple Christians was like looking at the face of mercy. I saw the face of God as He shined forth from humble human vessels.

D.B.

I don't know what Coke-Head was thinking. He's been in prison for about twenty-three years, and he's doing a sentence of 20-years to life. He's already been to the parole board once where he received the standard "one size fits all" two-year hit. Coke-Head, however, is still a fairly young man as he began his sentence when he was only seventeen. He's proud of his jailhouse nickname, too. I don't care for it, of course. As having people call you "Coke-Head" is too derogatory. But in the twisted world of prison, such a name is supposed to somehow garner a greater degree of respect than if he simply used his real name. For now I will call him Steve.

Coke-Head hails from upstate New York. He was an adolescent runaway and a repeat truant from public school. Living wild on the streets and snorting cocaine to stay high and happy (or so he thought) was all Steve knew. And by living such a fast and drug addicted life, it is no surprise that he ended up stabbing a man to death over drug money.

Coke-Head also suffers from mental problems. This is why he is assigned to E-North's Intermediate Care Program (ICP). And whenever I would go to work in ICP I would stop by his cell to rap and check up on him. Sometimes he'd be in the mood to talk. While at other times he'd be sleeping.

It's not at all uncommon to find prisoners fast asleep within about fifteen minutes after eating lunch, and then remaining asleep throughout the afternoon. Most often it is the result of a man's being on daily doses of powerful tranquilizers and other antipsychotic medications. I suppose that, from the viewpoint of the correctional facility's staff, a sleeping inmate is not going to cause problems. But there have been many days when Coke-Head would be wide awake and agitated.

Steve has a reputation for becoming verbally aggressive towards the staff. He would sometimes scream obscenities at them through the bars of his cell. As a result of this, Steve would be placed on "keeplock" status. This meaning that he was to be confined to his cell on a disciplinary restriction. Much of his prison time has been spent like this. But in my observation, being confined to his room, often for weeks at a time, would only make him more hyper than he already was.

Normally Steve would be in an educational program to help prepare him for a General Equivalency Diploma (GED).* He's actually assigned to a classroom in the mornings for this purpose. But because he is often keeplocked for bad behavior, he seldom gets to class. It's all a part of his endless quest for self-destruction and self-inflicted punishment.

Unfortunately, however, when I showed up at work this afternoon I was given the news that Steve cut himself repeatedly with a sharpened can top and was now in the hospital.

Steve's injuries, I was told, were not serious. But his wounds were numerous. He slashed himself on both arms from the wrists to his shoulders, and several times across his face as well. He's done this before, and the wounds were deep enough to scar him for life. The thing is, he was already badly scarred from previous suicide attempts and gestures.

As with many inmates who have mental disorder, their scars give them away. Coke-Head already looked as if he had fallen under a farm tractor and was run over by its many blades. He already looked hideous from prior cuttings, and now this. Steve is no doubt a sad case of many unanswered cries for help.

And Steve has been through this routine before. He'll probably be released from the hospital in a day or two. Most likely they're keeping him only to make sure he doesn't develop an infection. From here he will be immediately placed in an observation cell in the basement of the Mental Hygiene building, which is on prison grounds. Here he will remain under a 24-hour watch with a guard posted by the doorway. He will wear only his boxer shorts and a pair of rubber thongs so that he won't have to stand on the cold, concrete floor. And, at some point, if the psychologist in charge of his case makes a determination that Steve is "normal" again, he will be returned to this cell in E-North's ICP. But if it turns out that he is deemed mentally ill and in relapse, he will probably be transferred to the Central New York Psychiatric Center near Utica, New York.

Steve and I have had many conversations about Christ. I never preach to him, or at him. I don't do this with anyone. I just talk and share my faith. Interestingly, his body has lots of tattoos, most of which have long since been covered over by scar tissue. And one of these tattoos is a bold "666" while the second is a pentagram. I had asked him about this but he assured me he got them only because they "looked cool." He said he's not a satanist.

But his excuse for rejecting Jesus is always the same. "I hate God, and He hates me!" Not true, I've told him dozens of times. For now he just cannot conceive of a God who loves him and who longs for Steve to join God's family of those who have placed their faith in God's only begotten Son.

D.B.

*In prison lingo, when a man attempts to commit suicide by slashing himself, it is called "cutting up." Steve is not his real name. And in some areas of the country, a General Equivalency Diploma (GED) is known as a General Education Diploma.

Not everyone cares that prison inmates are repenting of their sins and are placing their faith in Jesus Christ. Most probably do not believe convicted felons can really change for the better. These disparagers can be found in all walks of life and at all levels of society. Well, let each one believe as he or she may. This one thing I know from my own observation: prisoners love to give. And in spite of the little they may have, when the desire is present, they give generously.

Today, for instance, my chaplain informed the fifty or so inmates who had gathered in the chapel that within a week's time, $107 was collected for a special Haiti earthquake relief fund. Such an amount might not seem like much money to many people, but when you consider that lots of the prisoners have only a few dollars to their names, this can be classified as "sacrificial" giving.

Thus a check for $107 was sent to Hope for the World, which is affiliated with the Beth Israel messianic church where Jonathan Cahn is the Senior Pastor. Beth Israel's membership consists of both Jews and Gentiles who believe that Jesus is the Messiah. Pastor Cahn sent my chaplain a thank you letter from his congregation to ours expressing thanks for our offering. Hope for the world has been doing relief work in Haiti for many years prior to the recent devastating earthquake. Therefore our donation will be able to go right to work in Haiti to help where needed the most.

Furthermore, my church recently received a letter of thanks from the pastor who's in charge of Hope Ministries, Inc. His church funds and operates an orphanage in Zambia, Africa. Every year the congregation here at Sullivan Correctional Facility will send a check for $200 to help those kids. Hope Ministries feeds, clothes, houses, and provides an education for these children. They also teach them about God and the Bible.

For more information about these two ministries, or to obtain verification that what I am reporting in my journal is true, please contact:


Pastor Jonathan Cahn
Hope for the World/Beth Israel
PO Box 1111
Lodi, NJ O7644


Hope Ministries, Inc
PO Box 75
Kenoza Lake, NY 12750-0075


As far as I'm concerned, the evidence is in. Prisoners care. We love to give, and give generously, because the Lord has touched our hearts.

D.B.

Within the past couple of weeks two more prisoners received Jesus Christ as their Savior. Each man asked the Lord to forgive all his sins, and both had come forward during an altar call in the chapel to make a public profession of their faith. In addition, each man requested a Bible.

Now, with a few weeks having gone by, I am eagerly watching both of these new believers grow in the faith. They're hungry for a better knowledge and understanding about God. Like me, neither grew up in church. Both have confessed to being "deep into drugs" and "running wild" in the streets. It's a familiar story. For them, getting arrested probably saved each of them from either getting killed by another drug dealing criminal, or dying from an accidental overdose.

I could also observe by looking at each of them, that their faces clearly show signs of premature aging from having lived a rough life. That they endured many years of self-inflicted pain from having made a slew of bad choices. But here they are today, saved from their sins and born again. Now the restoration process has begun. But my challenge will be to help keep them on the right path. And this I know as well. There was partying in heaven among the angels when each man surrendered to the Lord (Luke 15:7, 10).

D.B.

Even though I am locked up, simply having the privilege of knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord more than makes up for whatever I may lack behind bars. Besides, my view of incarceration is probably much different than that of most prisoners. For I see myself as a missionary who's serving the Lord in a unique environment, similar to the way a missionary may find himself stationed in a foreign land, yet faithfully serving both God and the church.

Furthermore, in here there is much for me to do. This includes sharing my faith (evangelism) as well as helping those who are less fortunate than myself. A sizable percentage of these men are lonely; they struggle with depression too. Like people everywhere, they need a touch from the Lord. They need a kind word, and they need someone to give them hope. And they also need to hear about God's plan of salvation.

In addition, my Christian brothers who are here with me need regular doses of encouragement, and so do I. They also need prayer, and I do as well, and so do our families. Therefore I have my work cut out for me. And this keeps me busy. I try to show mercy and kindness to all whom I encounter in the same way the Lord Jesus showed mercy and kindness to me. And without Christ, I could do none of these things.

D.B.

Many evangelical Christians believe that we are now living in a period of increasing spiritual darkness and evil. Furthermore, that the United States of America may be facing some form of impending judgment from God because of the increase of sin and corruption in our land. Perhaps we have been taking God's blessings for granted, as well? As a nation have we become unthankful? And do we think we can get along fine without God, and that all our problems can be solved through human effort rather than by first seeking help and guidance from the Almighty?

Sadly, I believe that many Christians prefer to remain cloistered inside our comfortable church buildings rather than make the effort to go into the streets and prisons and schools to share the life-changing, heart-transforming gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. As, in an oftentimes Christ-mocking world where Jesus Christ is hated and there is obvious hostility shown toward the things of God, it seems so much easier and safer to stay amongst our own while ignorant sinners slowly destroy themselves.

Many of us would rather settle for singing our feel good songs inside the cozy setting of the local assembly, as opposed to stepping out in faith to share the Word of God with those who are perishing, many of whom have never had the gospel clearly presented to them.

I do, of course, believe that fellowship is important. Christians should be gathering together for worship, prayer, Bible studies, et cetera. But it should be done with balance, and not as a means of avoiding the serious call to carry out the "Great Commission." And I too enjoy gathering with my brothers and sisters to sing and praise the Lord. Likewise it is good to experience the peace and the sense of togetherness that assembling with a group of like-minded believers brings.

Yet the church has also been called to carry out spiritual warfare against all forms of evil. We've been asked by Christ to daily pick up and carry our respective crosses. We have already been given our marching orders from the Lord to spread the gospel, and to help it to spread in every way possible.

Therefore, my beloved brothers and sisters, may I humbly say that this is not a time for us, myself included, to be hiding in the pews. At this late hour we should not have our heads in the clouds, so to speak. Nor should we ignore the cries of the lost any longer.

Yes, the body of Christ has a work to do, and we have a spiritual war to fight because Hell is enlarging itself. Souls are dying without the knowledge of Jesus, and our nation is dying too.

D.B.

Jose went home today, and to the Bronx he will go. Jose was assigned to the prison's Intermediate Care Program where I work on weekday afternoons. He's in his late thirties, and he has a wife and two teenage daughters. Jose's been in prison approximately five years. In addition to having been diagnosed as schizophrenic, he was also a drug addict; Jose is HIV positive too.

In all my years here, it never gets any easier when I see other men walk out the doors. I'm happy for him, of course. And Jose let me pray for him before he left. Nevertheless, to see a man walk free is a bittersweet thing. First, because I cannot go. Second, because I will not see him again. Third, because I don't know how he's going to do. Either Jose will be successful with his reentry into society and in re-uniting with his family, or at some point Jose will mess up by violating the conditions of his parole. Or he will re-offend by committing another crime. I hope he makes it, however.

Knowing Jose as I do, he has shown himself to be mature and sensible in spite of his mental illness and his prior struggles with drugs. Jose was a street addict who almost lost everything by living as he did. He'd buy drugs in his own neighborhood, thus causing the police to visit his house at all hours. In addition, his addiction would cause him to lose contact with his family for days at a time. Jose would get stuck inside a Crack house and his wife wouldn't know where he was or how to get in touch with him. Sometimes she thought he was probably lying dead in an alley just waiting to be found. But then came his arrest, and he was gone altogether.

Now, some five years later, Jose is on the rebound. For the time being he will not be allowed to live at home. He showed me his parole plan which has already been set up by the Office of Parole. He will be living in the southeast Bronx in a location near where I grew up. I know exactly where his residence is because I lived in this area when I was a kid. The building was once a two family brownstone that was at some point converted into a twelve bed neighborhood group home for addicts on the mend, and for parolees. It's a high crime area, too. And Jose will have to live here until someone makes the determination that he could return to his former apartment in the west Bronx, a long subway's ride from his new place.

Fortunately, Jose will still be able to see his family. I think that the parole people feel that with him living in his old neighborhood, where he knows all the drug spots, it would be too much of a temptation. So they'll keep him in this new residence and in this program for awhile. They will watch him closely as well with periodic drug testing and lots of visits with the psychiatrist he'll be assigned to.

In the months before Jose left he would sometimes go to church. He attended several of our Bible studies too. I also gave him a good quality Bible to take with him. And the day before he left, in addition to praying for him, we hugged and said our goodbyes.

Obviously I don't know what will become of Jose, just like I don't know what will become of all the guys who leave here on parole or conditional release. All I can do is pray for Jose and put him into the hands of God.

D.B.

I am grateful to everyone who has been praying for me, because God is answering those prayers. Doors of opportunity are opening in unusual and unexpected ways. It's exciting as well as scary.

My heart's desire is to share my story of hope with people from all walks of life. Yet it's an awesome responsibility, too. So I have been asking the Lord for wisdom in order that I may make the right decisions. I cannot afford to make a mistake. And as an ambassador for Jesus Christ, which is what every born again Christian is, I need God's guidance.

Nevertheless, I am overjoyed at what is happening. But I need to be cautious and wise.

D.B.