June 2007

My beloved chaplain had the weekend off to be with his family. So yesterday I had to conduct the Sunday morning service. I was thus placed in charge by him to oversee things until he returned. However, for some unknown reason, the volunteer minister who was scheduled to come and give his sermon didn't show. So this left me by myself, and it turned out that I had to step behind the pulpit to speak to the fifty or so men who were in attendance.

Therefore, after the choir sang their last song, it was time for me to give my message. And by God's grace, I did. Of course I was nervous as I seldom get the opportunity to actually preach a full sermon. Most often I simply give short exhortations as a prelude to get the congregation ready for the main speaker, which is usually the chaplain, or a preacher from the outside.

Fortunately, though, I had a sermon prepared for such a time as this. I spoke to the men on the subject of the tongue, and the title of the message was "Just Shut Up!" I asked the congregation to participate, and I asked them questions as we went along. It was a sobering and serious message, but I included some humor too.

Moreover, I believe that when my approximately forty minute sermon was done, we were able to see our little tongues in a different light. Likewise we would all be more careful in the way we speak to people. I included myself in this, and I confessed to them that I needed such a message as much as they did.

My first Scripture for the message was James 1:19, "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath (anger)." I then read James 1:26-27. Verse 26 says, "If any man among you seems to be religious, and bridles not his tongue, but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is vain (worthless)."

I concentrated on these passages first. However, a short while later I had the congregation read all of James chapter three. This chapter, as many Christians know, is the primary section in the Bible on the tongue. It deals with using and controlling our tongues as well as how deadly and out of control tongue could be. I likened the untamed tongue to a flame thrower. I told the men that there are times when we need to shut up and stay quiet. I added that many of us know firsthand how dangerous the tongue could be because we've witnessed terrible fights which broke out when the tongues of our fellow prisoners ran wild. I mentioned that riots could even start when tongues get out of control with rage. Threats are made. Men are provoked by careless words. And the result is retaliation and revenge and bloodshed, all of which could've been avoided if tongues only stayed still and mouths stayed shut.

In addition I also said that for many of us our speech is not much different than that of non-Christians. We cuss, gossip, complain, tell lies and hurt others with careless words. And this is not good, I told them. But I explained, too, how our tongues could be used by God for good purposes. I said that God wants our tongues to be instruments for blessing instead of for cursing.

Then, near the end of my sermon, I made a short quip which had these guys laughing. I said, "Sometimes it's not wise to speak your mind because you'll end up showing others that you don't have one." Of course I said this in a humorous gentle way so they'd know I was joking with them and wasn't trying to put anyone down. It was well received, however, and they got the point.

All told this was an enjoyable time and I believe the men got the message. Some of them even came up to me afterwards to ask questions. Today, I'm absolutely certain, the Lord Jesus helped me out one hundred percent.

D.B.

The Lord has promised that when I go through the storms and fiery trials of life, He will always be with me. Jesus will not let me go, nor will He allow me to slip from His strong yet tender hands.

Nevertheless, even knowing this, I must confess that there are occasions when my soul gets downcast. Recently, for instance, the media has begun to revisit the "Son of Sam" case. This August will be the thirtieth anniversary of my arrest. Therefore certain media outlets are bringing my crimes back into the mind of the general public. I'm sure this must be painful for the families of my victims; it pains me, too.

Yes I also know that Christ has made all things new for me. So through Christ I will continue to forget what is behind, and by His grace I'm reaching out to what is ahead. And even the sins and regrets of the past must now yield to God's promises of forgiveness and restoration. For He has power, not only to forgive sin, but to restore the years which Satan stole.

The Lord, in His word, has promised to stay with me, and He has.

D.B.

I had hoped to take a sabbatical back in March, and I did make an attempt at it, but I guess I didn't get all the rest I needed. Therefore I'm still in desperate need of a time for rest, recuperation and refreshing. But with all the responsibilities I have involving both my work assignments plus being one of the leaders of a prison church, it's difficult to get time off.

Obviously I could use a vacation. However, as a prison inmate, there's no place I could go to. I'm stuck here and I have to make the best of it.

At present I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. For the past several weeks, for instance, I've found myself stumbling around, being forgetful and exhausted. I have little strength, and I have a cold that I cannot seem to get rid of.

So for periods such as this I need to trust in the Lord, rely more upon His grace, and persevere in my current predicament knowing that in due time my strength will return.

D.B.

In recent days God has been providing me with more opportunities to be used as an instrument of His grace and to provide counsel and advice to those who ask for it. Within the past week or thereabouts several men approached me with regard to their marital situations. I feel unqualified, of course, to give any advice along this line. Yet God is the one who provides His children with spiritual wisdom. And I definitely seek such wisdom from Him along with a spirit of humility on my part.

I know, too, that the Lord Jesus never considers a single soul as being beneath His help. And with this in mind, and because the Scriptures do say that if I need wisdom concerning a matter, that I could ask for it in faith and I will receive it. And God hasn't disappointed me yet. He always comes through.

Thus I have been able to spend time with a few of the men. I also try to encourage each one as well as urge him to put his concerns in the hands of God. My role, I believe, is primarily to point others to God's throne of grace where mercy, strength and true spiritual wisdom can be found. Likewise I try to point each man to the Bible.

I'm grateful for the chance to be there for my friends in times like this. And there were times when some of these men came to my aid when I myself was facing some tough issues.

D.B.

Today I reminisced over some of the good memories of my childhood. I suppose, too, that my recent birthday has caused me to realize just how quickly time appears to pass.

I'm 54. Yet it seems as if it was only a few years ago, that I was perhaps ten or eleven years old, when my Dad and I would play catch with our baseball gloves and a "Clincher" brand softball across the street from where we lived on Stratford Avenue in the Bronx.

On sunny Sundays during the spring and summer months, the concrete school yard of Junior High School #123 was the place where my father and I would toss a ball back and forth for about thirty minutes or thereabouts. Sunday was special because it was his only day off from work. And while my Dad and I had our struggles getting along because I was oftentimes wild, moody and aloof, we did have good moments together. I will always cherish those good moments.

D.B.

Prison has a way of causing a man to spend a lot of time in quiet introspection as well as in reliving the past and rekindling memories of yesteryear. This is because, not only does a man living in a cinder block and steel cage have more time on his hands to think and reminisce, but prison life is often unpleasant. Thus many men find that living in the past and living off old memories is better than living in the present.

In addition, in this environment there are degrees of monotony and routine which limit a man's life. For instance I cannot go to the beach or go bicycle riding. I can't go to a baseball game or out to eat with friends. And so the day-to-day things which the average man can do with his life are not available to me. Therefore, daydreaming is common, and it's usually done automatically. Dwelling on past relationships and events is part of the way a man does his time.

For me, being that it's Father's Day, there's been no lack of daydreaming. My mind has been flooded with many precious memories from long ago. Like when my parents would rent a bungalow every summer. Every summer my dad closed our neighborhood hardware store for a week to ten days, and we'd head for the Smokey Bear Cottages in the little hamlet of Bolton Landing in upstate New York. This was a short distance north of the popular tourist town known as Lake George.

And if the Smokey Bear Cottages are still in business, then they've probably changed ownership at least several times since my family was last there in the mid-1960s. But I loved swimming in the huge lake. I'd dive off the wooden pier which jutted out into the fresh water. I also loved going on the lake in a rowboat or sometimes riding in the speedboat which belonged to the owners of the cottages. I was also able to take my little rod and reel and fish off the pier, almost never catching anything. I went horseback riding too at a nearby stable.

Summers were special for me. But the last time I was in the Lake George area was in 1966. It was in late spring or very early summer in 1967 when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Therefore, since she was in the hospital, that season's plans were cancelled. In fact we never made it to Lake George ever again because in October of 1967 my mother would die. Nevertheless I still have memories of swimming in that big lake and splashing my parents with water as we floated on inner tubes under a hot sun.

So on this Father's Day I am reliving some good memories that not even prison authorities could ever take away.

D.B.

I'm exhausted! It has been a busy few days as my congregation had our first of two special Family Day events in the prison's large recreation yard. Usually we'd have one Family Day event annually, and always on the first Saturday in August. But this year, however, the prison authorities allowed us to have two. So today was the first of two gatherings with the second one scheduled for August 4th.

There were about 135 people present who attended today's event. The weather was nearly perfect aside from a strong wind. And while we didn't get as many to attend as we'd normally have for a summer outing, this was still a good amount. It was enjoyable for me to see men with their wives, some who had their kids in tow.

Today's event lasted from 9 A.M. to 2:30 P.M. Then, when it was over, our guests had to be escorted out of the yard by guards while the inmates had to line ourselves up in a single file, each to await our turn to go into a nearby building to be "strip-searched."

For most of Friday, however, I was part of a fifteen man set-up crew. We worked hard the day before the event. Our crew had to pitch several heavy canvas tents securing each one into the ground with ropes and large iron stakes that the guys took turns hammering into the dirt with a sledgehammer. We also had dozens of tables and more than one hundred chairs to carry out to the yard as well as a heavy wooden stage which had to be assembled for our choir to place their equipment on. Our choir has a big sound system as well as a selection of instruments.

When our event was finally over I rejoined the work crew and we began to disassemble everything as well as clean up all the garbage. We carried the sound equipment back into the chapel, which was a distance away. We took down the tents and stage, and then cleaned the tables and returned the tables and chairs to their respective places. I dripped with sweat under a warm sun as I helped to lug our furniture and equipment back into storage. And in the end I was able to enjoy a hot shower when I returned to my cell block. So it was a blessed day. But it will now take a while for me to fully recuperate.

D.B.

The Lord continues to use my life for His glory, and for the salvation of many. Thanks to Jesus, my life is moving forward and much good is being accomplished. It's all the Lord's doing, too.

As time goes on more "good reports" continue to reach me. My story of hope is going into many prisons. There's an array of small ministries who give out my testimony pamphlet, sometimes to hundreds of inmates at a time. These friends, and many other people whom I don't know personally, distribute copies of the story or share it verbally with youth who are in juvenile detention, and to inmates in jails and prisons in states such as New York, New Jersey, Indiana, Florida, Texas, Virginia, California and Washington. In addition, I've also learned that my friend Troy Thomas of Inertia Films in Atlanta, has placed a copy of my testimony film, FORGIVEN FOR LIFE, in every correctional facility in the state of Georgia. All of this leaves me both overjoyed and humbled.

I know that God doesn't make junk. But he does salvage wrecks from the junkyard of the world. Then the Lord works hard to make something beautiful out of what He has rescued and redeemed. He's done this with my life. He's done the same for millions more. What a wonderful Father He is!

D.B.

I love the Lord and I love His church. The Bible instructs us to love both God and His family. "Finally, be all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing; but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing (I Peter 3:8-9)."

Yet it has sadly been said that oftentimes the "church" is the place where we shoot our wounded rather than be what I think the church should be, which is, a "Holy Spirit Hospital." For it is among Christians and the church where men and women are healed in body, soul and spirit from the dreadful affects of sin. The church, therefore, should be a place where those who've truly repented of their sins and where those who have placed their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ can receive love, encouragement, hope, as well as spiritual nourishment from the holy Scriptures. Likewise, the church should be a place where its members are encouraged to grow in the grace and knowledge of God.

This is the ideal mark, of course. However, I must confess that we don't always see these good things happening in the ranks of the Lord's children. Tragically we instead observe brethren gossiping, bad-mouthing and fighting one another, and all to Satan's delight, I'm sure.

Recently my heart has been broken because a few of my dear friends have begun to lock horns and lash out against each other with bitter accusations. And it's all about nonsense, too. To me it appears to be nothing more than pride and unforgiveness between two parties. And, I must say, none of this has any place among the family of God. In fact the Lord Jesus said that a house divided will not stand (Matthew 12:25*).

Unfortunately, and it breaks my heart to say this, at times the church is just like this. We're exactly as Jesus said we should not be - a house divided. For among us there is division, strife, and all manner of foolishness. And the results are hurt feelings, broken friendships, discouragement, and a loss of unity and the power that unity brings. In addition, a divided church with battling brethren opens the door for the devil and his demons to enter in and ruin lives, separate friends, and hinder the work of the church.

Thus, at this time, I am experiencing inner pain and anguish over what is going on with some men I know personally. I am certainly disappointed to see those who claim to know the Bible and say they are teachers and evangelists, yet they're acting like spiteful and immature middle school teenagers.

It shouldn't be this way, and it doesn't have to. Jesus Christ, who is the "Head" of the church, has given us everything we need to walk in love and humility, and in spiritual victory, too. We can have the "fruits of the Spirit" which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Thankfully, as Christians, we can bow our hearts before the Lord and ask His forgiveness. For all of us fall short of God's glory, myself included. And we can ask Jesus to help us to learn to love one another and get along. The Lord, I'm certain, will teach us how to turn the other cheek and how to truly extend forgiveness. The Bible makes it clear that this is what Christ expects of us.

Surely the Savior's heart is grieved when He sees the members of His royal family at war with each other. May the Lord therefore have mercy upon us because our brothers and sisters are NOT our enemies.

As the apostle Paul wrote to the church in the ancient city of Galatia, "If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another (Galatians 5:25-26)." The Bible also says that God hates those who sow discord among the brethren (Proverbs 6:16-19).

Nevertheless, I and many of my friends are praying for peace, love and unity to rule. For if we do not have love for our brothers and sisters, then we have nothing. Furthermore, God has not called us to bite and devour fellow believers as if we're cannibals. Rather we should be praying one for another, uplifting, and even (when necessary) admonishing one another in love.

May the Lord Jesus forgive our stubborn pride and change hearts to become like His heart. Amen.

D.B.

*The Scripture I quoted in this entry (Matthew 12:25)
is also repeated in two other gospels (Mark 3:24-25 &
Luke 11:17), thus emphasizing the importance Jesus
attached to the danger and tragedy of a house divided.

Barney* has always been on the fringe of Christian fellowship. He's almost finished with a seven year prison sentence for hurting his own children by abusing them physically. And, as I expected, he's not allowed to have contact with them anymore. They're currently living with his ex-wife while Barney struggles with guilt as well as a host of mental problems, some of which have plagued him since adolescence, while his mood swings and behavior remain erratic with only an occasional period of lucidity now and then.

I've known Barney for perhaps five years and we've spoken many times since he first arrived at the prison. And while here, on a number of occasions, he'd begin to develop coping problems in which he would become depressed and possibly suicidal. So during these periods he would either be placed on a special watch in a cell at the facility's Mental Hygiene Unit, or he would be transferred to the Central New York Psychiatric Center in the town of Marcy, which is many miles away. Then, when he stabilized, they would return him to this place and he would go back to E-North, which is where I work on weekday afternoons.

Barney is an obviously troubled and tormented young man. He would often try to steer our conversations to the subject of death. He's talented at drawing with pens and pencils, however, and he mostly draws pictures of angels and demons. But there are times when Barney would become energetic and talkative. Then he'd revert back to states of depression and despair.

There's definitely a war going on inside of Barney. In his mind he wants to be good and behave himself. Yet he often acts up and lashes out impulsively without giving much thought to the consequences of his actions.

Presently Barney is confined to his cell for thirty days as a result of a disciplinary infraction. For no apparent reason he slugged another inmate shattering the man's eyeglasses. Fortunately he wasn't seriously hurt other than a few superficial cuts and a swollen face. But it was one more incident in which Barney engaged in self-sabotaging behavior. He took his anger and frustration out upon a man of smaller stature who couldn't fight back.

So yesterday afternoon, when I went to work at the Intermediate Care Program I found Barney with his face pressed against the bars at the front of his cell looking sad and downcast. Then when he saw me Barney asked if we could talk for awhile. During his more stable periods we'd talk, and many times we would discuss spiritual matters.

For approximately thirty minutes Barney and I engaged in a conversation about Jesus Christ. He seemed to perk up, too. Barney also reached for his Gideon Bible and asked me to let him read from it. I was overjoyed. And he read from a few well known passages of Scripture about a Christian's struggle between the "flesh" the "Spirit".

Nevertheless, Barney remains a tough case. On rare occasions he'd suddenly show up at one of the Sunday worship services where the congregation would warmly embrace Barney. We'd always invited him back as well. Yet it would usually be several weeks or longer before we'd see him again. Thus it is no surprise to me that Barney continues to struggle with sin and with emotional problems. He's never fully yielded himself to Jesus Christ. He's not grounded in the word of God either, although it was encouraging that he opened his Bible yesterday. But it takes more than this. Besides, I'm not even sure if he's actually "born again." Sadly, for Barney, his claim of having "faith" may be more of convenience than a genuine life-changing reality.

To me, Barney is like many who claim to believe in Christ, yet continue to remain on the fringe of fellowship. Like Barney, they go to church when they feel like it. They never commit themselves to the Lord, and prayer or reading from the Bible is something to do only when they feel a little down. And as a result, when the storms of life strike and troubles and problems assail them, those like Barney crumble. They have no foundation to rest their faith upon, or they simply had no faith altogether.

I've known Barney for a long time, and except for rare occasions, his life is mostly filled with doubts, fears, worries and temptations. Many times I've seen him trying to hide pornographic magazines from me too. Satan, I think, likes to use Barney as a punching bag. He's a tormented man. Still the men in our fellowship continue to try to help him when we can. God, I believe, doesn't give up on people unless they don't want His help. So I'm not going to give up on Barney. His soul is worth the work and effort. There's always hope.

D.B.

*Barney is not his real name.