July 2005

I have been weak and weary, not only from the oppressive heat and humidity, but moreover, from the intense spiritual warfare which has been taxing my mind, body and spirit.

Yet God has been faithful to carry me through. For even in my tiredness and exhaustion the grace of God shows itself to be sufficient.

Like the popular poem, "Footprints in the Sand," just when I think I am all alone and I could no longer press onward, I instead discover that the "everlasting arms" of Christ are holding me up.

But aside from this, I believe the Lord has been revealing to me that it is time to speak as well as go even deeper into enemy territory.

Frankly I cannot say that I am ready for any new challenges and assignments. My fatigue has been keeping me in my comfort zones and glad to be standing on familiar ground. Yet this is not the Lord’s way.

Jesus has been preparing me, I am certain, for more service. Still I confess that in spite of the divine call, I never feel quite ready nor capable.

Nevertheless, like any Christian, I must step out in faith. I must hope the right decision was made, and then give it all to the Lord.

As one verse from the book of Proverbs says, "Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will be established (Proverbs 16:3 NASB)."

D.B.

In my opinion it was inevitable. A group of terrorists launched a major series of attacks against the people of Great Britain. It happened this morning, and by late this evening the reports are far from complete.

But there were at least four bombings, three in the subway system and one on a tour bus. Perhaps a few dozen people lost their lives. The count of the dead may go higher still.

During this evening’s Bible class, however, the approximately twenty of us who were present all joined our hands together in a circle. We prayed for those who were hurt by this tragedy. We also asked God to bring comfort to the families of those who died.

I know what the Scriptures tell me concerning the "end times." And because men wish to remove God from their minds and be their own little gods instead, it can only be expected that the conditions of this world cannot get better. Men are in rebellion against their Creator. They will not bow to Him; they’re too proud to pray to a deity they cannot see with their eyes.

Nevertheless, this sudden burst of terror bombings made me think of a letter I sent to a young man in Great Britain in December of last year (See my journal entry for December 8, 2004, at www.forgivenforlife.com).

In late 2004 I sensed that Great Britain may be facing some kind of danger. So in my letter I told this man that in years past his nation brought forth into the world men and women who were champions of the Christian faith. While today, however, England’s churches are losing members. Its power has been diminished. And in a land where the gospel was once preached with burning passion and holy fervor, all that is left are mere memories of those days.

The United States of America is in the same situation. I believe that if a genuine spiritual awakening does not come soon, both of our countries may suffer terrible consequences.

These are perilous times we live in, and today’s bombings may be a taste of what is ahead.

Yet there is hope. God is merciful. He is patient with His fallen creatures, and He cares. He also had nothing to do with these terrorist attacks. They were the work of evil men.

But I ask, who will seek God? What leaders of nations will humble their hearts and say, "Lord, we need You, and we need Your help."

I will say this: When the blessings are gone, then men will realize what they have lost. They shall regret their pride. Hereafter they must fend for themselves.

D.B.

It was the third night in a row that I awoke with a feeling of dread. So I quickly got down on my knees in the darkness of my prison cell, and prayed.

I know I have been going through a prolonged season of inner conflict and deep soul-searching. These feelings, therefore, are a part of this period.

My heart has been heavy over many things. The attacks from the adversary have been intense. And I find myself having to echo the words of King David, who said, "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee (Psalm 56:3)."

Then, later this morning, after I had finished my work, I sat with a friend in the dayroom of my building where we read from the Bible.

Fortunately, we had the whole area to ourselves as most of the prisoners were either at their work assignments or attending classes. I am part of a small work crew who stays in the housing unit during the daytime.

He and I spent about thirty minutes talking, praying and reading. He was able to give me good input and counsel. Then, after lunch, I went to the chapel to attend our weekly prayer meeting.

It was good for me to spend some time on my knees, with friends, and before God.

D.B.

With each passing day I am realizing more and more that this Christian life can be as painful as it is joyous. That if we are to walk by faith, we must pass through circumstances that are difficult in order to mature our faith.

Anyone could claim to have faith in God. But only those who have been tried in the furnace of fierce testings and afflictions are qualified to make the claim that theirs is genuine.

In Christianity - lets be honest - there are probably just as many failures as there are success stories.

Yes, it is true.

Many who have responded to the hearing of the Gospel with "gladness (Mark 4:16)," eventually fall away from their profession of faith when faced with persecution and hardship (4:17).

While others, after receiving the Gospel, allow the "cares of this life" and the "deceitfulness of riches" to choke their faith and kill it (4:18-19).”

Finally, there are those who, over the process of time and through much affliction, bring forth a plentiful harvest of true spiritual fruit (4:20).

I spoke on this subject during today’s service. I pleaded with the Lord not to allow me to ever give up no matter how hard things get. Besides, what would be the point of quitting now?

Mark 4:3-20

D.B.

After last night’s Bible study class in the chapel I went to the recreation yard to spend time with my twenty-four year old friend, Danny.

He and I spent our allotted 90 minutes talking about God and rejoicing in His goodness.

Under the bright glare of dozens of high intensity security lights that make the aluminum razor wire perimeter fences glitter like tinsel on a Christmas tree, we spoke about what God is doing in the lives of the men who belong to our church congregation. And we talked about what God may have in store for Danny; he has six years left to serve on his sentence.

Danny grew up in a housing project in the Bronx. Although he had some family members who would take him to church when he was a kid, Danny told me that he found life in his home to be "too strict."

He told me that when he was a teenager he longed for the seeming freedom of the streets. He wanted to hang out with a wild bunch of his peers who regularly gathered on certain street corners in the daytime or in the public park at night.

Because of his background Danny also got involved with Santeria (a type of witchcraft) and his family’s fascination with images of supposed saints, idols, and magical incantations that they used to try to bring health, wealth and happiness into their lives.

As Danny tells it, it was assumed that he would eventually drop out of school and become a loafer. Most of the young men in his South Bronx neighborhood were living the same way, fatalistic, and with little hope for a good future.

Eventually Danny’s criminal activities escalated. He was stealing whatever he could in order to survive. It was a daily struggle to find cash.

He told me that he even once held up a man who happened to be a Christian. Danny said that while he was pushing his victim around the man kept telling him, "May God bless you." Years later this stuck with him.

Then, as his unlawful conduct began to come to the attention of the police in his neighborhood, and the "heat" started to come down on him, Danny took off to stay with relatives on Long Island. Yet he continued to steal and pull stick ups.

As it goes with almost all malefactors, however, if you continue to do illegal acts, you’re eventually going to get caught.

And Danny got caught! He was arrested and then placed in the Nassau County Jail to await his trial.

Facing lots of prison time in a county known for being tough on street crime, Danny decided to take a ten year plea deal. But also while he was in jail Danny asked Jesus Christ to forgive him and come into his life.

Today he is one of the stronger Christians in my congregation, and he sings in the choir, too.

I am confident that Danny has a good future. He’s also old enough and wiser now to see the bigger picture; that the fast life of the streets is only an illusion and a lie.

D.B.

They come in and out of my cell during the daytime. They don’t seem to have any fear of humans, and it’s as if we have a mutual understanding not to bother each other. I’m talking about a small nest of black wasps that have made a home for themselves on a small ledge outside my window.

My window has a screen welded to the inside portion of it. It’s not a fine mesh screen, however. Instead it is a common institutional-type heavy iron screen with uniform rows of metal strips that only allow me to poke my fingers through the holes. Thus an array of flying bugs could come and go as they please.

I am living through an oppressive heat wave. It’s been so hot for weeks on end that it seems as if the summer has been here forever.

Fortunately I have a small 6-inch oscillating fan. Every inmate is allowed to purchase one through the prison’s commissary. I could use six!

Nevertheless, my wasp friends visit daily. They fly in, one at a time, zip around my head for a few seconds, and then make their way to the sink. It’s water they need.

A lot of the men are scared of these creatures. They’re spooked by anything with a stinger in its tail. Yet I am convinced that this little family of wasps could sense that I like them. I’m serious.

There happen to be nests of wasps in lots of places on the facility grounds. I’m in a remote area that’s surrounded by woods. And since almost all the prisoners keep their windows open in this heat, human/wasp encounters are common. But I only recall one time, many years ago, when a man got stung. He sat on one.

My wasp neighbors are welcome because they seem so tame. I’ll sit back and watch them. They sense no danger. They’re not aggressive and they know to keep their distance. We simply have an unspoken arrangement to share the sink. Yet I envy their freedom. They have no comprehension of what it is like to be confined to a cell.

D.B.

Sometimes in order to mature my faith and enhance spiritual growth, the Lord in His infinite wisdom will allow me to experience situations in which I will find myself being "pressed out of measure* " in various ways, including persecution.

It is, I believe, during the times when I sense myself to be growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ that difficulties will arise which place differing degrees of pressure upon me. This is because I have to be squeezed, shaped and molded by the firm hands of the Almighty.

Likewise, along this line, when a Christian wishes to fulfill the Lord’s command to "Go into all the world" and proclaim the Gospel that opposition will come.

There will be those who will accuse him of having wrong motives. The Christian will be misunderstood. His character may get assassinated. And this is called "persecution." And as difficult as it may be to fully understand it, God Himself will allow it (within limitations) for the growth and maturing of the believer.

Recently, in fact, this had been the case with me. For although I did not find out about it until several days after the event, on June 30, CNN’s Nancy Grace Program aired a lengthy segment on prime time television about my upcoming journal book. I learned about the program when I happened to call a friend who then told me about the show.

Then, a few weeks later, my friend was able to obtain a transcript of the Nancy Grace program which she in turn sent me to peruse.

In all fairness, as I reviewed the transcript, I did see that some of what had been reported is correct. Yes, if it be the Lord’s will, many of my current journal entries are going to be in a book. This was not my idea, however. Instead it was an inner vision of a handful of my closest friends who felt that my writings should be published. Then, at some point, what was a thought in their minds began to take shape and may now become a reality.

Of course, as per New York State’s Executive Law, in the section which deals specifically with crime victims, I would NOT be permitted to make any money from such a publication, nor would I want to.

Unbeknown to Ms. Grace, though, in 2004 a contract was signed between myself and the publisher, and we agreed that a percentage of the gross profits that would normally go to the "author," will instead be given to the New York State Crime Victims Board for eventual distribution to the families of the victims of my crimes, if they want it.

So it was disappointing to learn about the misinformation that was presented to the public by an emotionally charged Nancy Grace when she told her viewers that I might make "millions" of dollars from the book which, by the way, as of this moment, is nowhere near completion.

Furthermore, also on the program was an attorney, David Wohl, whom I do not know. He was urging one of the mother’s of one of my victims, who was also being interviewed for this segment from her home, that she should seek a "civil judgment" against me for "any money that this multiple murderer might make." What ignorance! Obviously Mr. Wohl knows nothing about the contract which was carefully crafted and agreed upon long before this program was aired.

I do not fault Miss Grace, however, and I have no axe to grind with her. I suppose, too, that she had the best of intentions to make the public aware that I write a spiritual journal from behind prison walls, and that at some future time some of these writings will be made into a book.

But I do believe it was unnecessary and even harmful to rile up the public needlessly as well as aggravate the families of my victims.

Yet if it does come to pass that a book is published, I pray that it will become an inspiration to many people from all walks of life. In addition, that there will be financial benefits for the victims.

D.B.

*II Corinthians 1:8
SOURCE: “Rush” Transcript for the Nancy Grace Program aired on June 30, 2005 at CNN.com