January 2009

I have a story of hope to tell. And it needs to be told because I've been through a myriad of experience in my life, both good and bad. It's a cautionary tale, as well.

Unfortunately, however, over the years other people have taken it upon themselves to try to tell my story through their own minds while operating within the scope of their respective agendas. Thus, whether for profit or self-gain, the results have been distortions and endless amounts of untruths and misinformation.

Therefore, I hope that this year I'll have the desire and energy to set my typewriter smoking. I've got a lot of writing to do. And the name I coined for this project is "OPERATION SMOKING TYPEWRITER."

D.B.

In the darkness, and during the midnight hour when all the prisoners are locked in our cells, and many of us are fast asleep, the Holy Spirit will sometimes prompt my heart to pray. Away from the watchful eyes of the guards who patrol along the walkway, I will make my petitions to the Lord. With the overhead light off for the evening, I prostrate myself on the floor, my face to the ground.

And while I have no worthiness or merit of my own, the Lord welcomes my prayers because He loves me. I'm His child. So I can approach the Everlasting King any time of the day or night since His throne of grace is always open.

I know, too, that not only does the Lord hear my cries. He measures the beats of my heart and every breath I take. For this is my heavenly Father who longs to wrap me into His arms of strength and safety because He knows how weak I am. My flesh is so easily prone to sin.

Therefore, in the stillness of the night, I call, and He answers. In the privacy of my cell I have a place of peace and a refuge. My room is a sanctuary. It's a spot of serenity that's hidden from the world.

D.B.

It's Wednesday evening. I am very tired, so much so, that I didn't go to the AIDS class which I'm scheduled to attend each Wednesday evening. Presently I'm taking a course to learn more about HIV and AIDS. Classes go for twelve weeks.

Since the Christmas holiday the kitchen has been busy. The pots, pans and cooking kettles are keeping my hands on the scouring pad. I also have to clean my work station which includes sweeping, mopping, disinfecting the walls and sink surfaces with bleach, emptying the drains, taking out the garbage and so much more. The kitchen is a labor and it reminds me of being in basic training in the Army.

I'm up early for work, and I work all morning until 12:30. Then I eat a quick lunch, take a shower, change my clothes, and walk across the facility for my second job of the day. In the afternoons I'm an aid to the men who live in one of the cell blocks for the mentally challenged.

Thus being on the go from 8 AM to 3 PM is for me, at age fifty-five, a physical challenge. I enjoy it, but I get tired. Then it's a matter of waiting on the Lord to renew my strength, and it's not just a renewing of physical strength. I daily need emotional strength as well because prison can be a negative environment, to put it mildly. Yet I have joy in knowing the Lord. I have Christ's peace within my heart, and His presence is always with me.

D.B.

Renaldo says he doesn't remember exactly when the war first began, but it started slowly. He was a young man at the time. He was in public school, perhaps shortly before his teenage years. Here, at some point, he began to realize that his life, and even his sanity was on the line. So to survive, he had to fight with every ounce of his strength because it was an intense conflict, he said, that was inside of his head.

Renaldo was trying to fight to keep his sanity, although at the time he really didn't understand what was happening to him. Neither did his family nor his teachers or guidance counselors. There were loudening voices in his head and an increasing pressure and strange impulses which tried to make him do bad things. And, sadly, almost forty years later, the war from within continues to rage.

Renaldo is a forty-five year old Hispanic man. He's of medium build with a full head of thick black hair that he always keeps combed into a neat but greasy looking early 1960s style pompadour. Renaldo seems to be caught in a time warp with this hair style. It's something you would no longer see except in movies such as West Side Story.

He's been in and out of prison several times, and the same for mental hospitals. Renaldo's story is that of a man who's been broken and crushed by a craziness which, according to him, will not go away.

Furthermore, Renaldo is also a recovering heroin addict who said that he got high in order to ease the torment he felt in his soul. In addition, Renaldo has become infected with the virus which causes AIDS. He is HIV-positive because, in his own words, there were too many nights spent on roof tops or in alleyways in which he shared dirty needles with other addicts.

In spite of all this, however, Renaldo considers himself to be very fortunate. This time he received only a four year prison sentence from a judge who obviously took pity on him. Considering his lengthy record, it is a miracle. These days, "career criminals," more politely labeled "predicate felons," or "repeat offenders," are usually handed additional years of prison time.

D.B.

Note: Renaldo is not his real name.

Renaldo arrived at this facility only several months ago. Because of his long psychiatric history he was placed immediately into the care of the prison's mental health staff. He was then housed at the prison's Intermediate Care Program (E-North/ICP) where I work on weekday afternoons. I introduced myself to the new arrival and Renaldo seemed glad that someone has taken and interest in him. Among his meager possessions, I noticed, was a well worn Bible, and array of post cards of Jesus and Mary, and several different sets of Rosary beads which he hung at various locations in his cell. Renaldo told me these items were to help keep away evil spirits. He's definitely a confused soul, and obviously very superstitious as well.

Renaldo did go to last Sunday's Christian worship service in the chapel. As the service was nearing its end, the minister gave the invitation for anyone wanting or needing prayer to come forward to the altar at the front of the chapel, and Renaldo was among a dozen or so men who opted to do this. Then I watched with humor as he stood in line with the others, all of whom seemed relaxed except for Renaldo. He instead stood at rigid attention with his hands pressed to his sides as if he was in the military. Renaldo stayed this way even when the preacher placed his hands upon him. Renaldo was frozen. He looked to be in a state of shock, although he said nothing. And when the minister was finished praying for him, Renaldo made an about face and quietly returned to his seat.

That Renaldo is heavily medicated is easy to tell. His gait is stiff, his walk is slow for an otherwise healthy looking man in his mid-forties. For the past twenty years Renaldo has been on a regimen of various psychotropic meds as part of his treatment for his mental disorders, and to hopefully prevent any unwanted emotional outbursts. In my talks with Renaldo he told me of his battles with depression, the voices in his head, and his wild impulses. I've never seen him violent, though. Even his current criminal charges were for acts of non-violence. He stole property.

Renaldo's biggest dream, he said, is to return to his home in New York City where his elderly father works as a superintendent and janitor of an old tenement building. Renaldo wants to rejoin his father in his basement apartment. And he told me he has a sister who recently married and now lives in the Bronx.

Like many men who hope to be released one day, Renaldo told me that he's done with prison. "I'm never coming back," he said with a degree of conviction. I hope it's true. Yet many who say this do return to jail. Some are for parole violations while others get arrested for new crimes. For Renaldo, my guess is that, other than by the grace of God, he will return. He has no high school diploma and knows no trade. He must always take his medications, too. And this is actually a law. Under both the guidelines established by the New York State Division of Parole as well as by the Office of Mental Health, he must continue to take any medications his psychiatrist deems necessary. If not, he could be rearrested. Personally, Renaldo seems to be on enough tranquilizers to put an elephant to sleep.

During his lucid moments Renaldo is pleasant to talk to. Although, even then, he will appear jittery. His eyes will dart all around even when he's alone in his cell. I suppose the paranoia never goes away. Yet he does ask questions about the Bible and he seems eager to learn. But I could tell that Renaldo longs for a normal mind. The war in his head has gone on for too long. His weariness is evident. Renaldo wants rest and he wants peace. Renaldo wants to be made whole. I know that only Jesus could give him all this and more.

D.B.

It has been said that the gospel spreads the fastest and the church grows the most during times of persecution. And it was this continuous opposition to the truth of the Scriptures that the apostle Paul had to encounter in almost every place he went.

Likewise, today, as in times past, there cannot be a noticeable advancement of the good news about Jesus Christ without a spiritual fight. For many obstacles and battles await the Christian wherever he goes. But God is faithful. Through Him we always prevail.

Even in my own life I experience opposition, but it's on a much smaller scale when compared to Paul. Yet it is just as real and intense. Surely every Christian who wants to serve the Savior will encounter his or her own trials, delays and opposition. After all, the same demons who wrestled with the apostles are still around to strike out against us. These evil entities, while hidden from human eyes, are not yet in hell. They're here on the earth, and they are out to make trouble. Nevertheless our victory is assured while we remain in Christ, and provided we do not quit and give up. As the Scripture says, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31)?"

D.B.

Yesterday I wrote about prevailing in one's walk with Christ in spite of satanically energized opposition. Now, as I do a study about the weapons the Lord has provided for believers to assist us in overcoming the darkness, one of the most important of these weapons is prayer.

Presently I am seeing answers to prayers I dispatched to heaven a long time ago. God was not slow in answering me, however. He knew that I wasn't ready to receive what I requested. Hence the wait.

But what I am learning these days is that it is always good to wait on the Lord. God is never in a rush. Really it's a good lesson about patience, as well. Because when years pass and the visible results to some of my prayers are still not there, then prevailing patience is needed along with prevailing prayer.

D.B.

II Corinthians 10:3-5

With the perils that face our nation and with multitudes of hearts longing for hope, I offer this simple prayer:

Lord, may my heart be continually fixed upon you. You alone are my hope and my source of strength. Without you I can do nothing that will be of any lasting spiritual value. And this is true for any one who wishes to be your disciple.

And with this in mind, Father God, please remember to deliver those who hope and trust in you. For your word says that the man who trusts in the arm of flesh will be destroyed. But those who hope in the Lord, they shall prosper and be blessed (Jeremiah 17:5-8).

Lord, please watch over the United States of America, our people, and our military. Give our leaders wisdom to rule well, even if for whatever reasons they themselves do not believe in you, or believe that you exist. Forgive them, O God, for their ignorance and their blindness of spiritual matters.

Father, our nation can at times experience much violence. Many lives are being destroyed because of crime. Please, therefore, allow the gospel to go forth. Because it is only through the life transforming power of the cross of Jesus Christ that souls can be saved and our nation changed for the better.

I pray, too, for the churches that are behind prison walls. Lord, we inmates are often looked upon negatively by the guards as well as by other prisoners. Yet we are a small flock who are willing, if necessary, to suffer shame and reproach for Your name. Please help us, as well, to avoid gangs and drugs and all self-destructive behaviors. May we instead bring you glory and honor as we strive to live in accordance with your Word.

Most of all, dear Father, have mercy upon America. Please do not count our nation's sins against us. Amen.

D.B.

This afternoon I was watching some of the Presidential Inauguration which took place in Washington, D.C. today. I was amazed at the number of people who were in attendance. Surprisingly the prison authorities cancelled all work and school assignments after the lunch meal was completed so that any prisoner in the general population could go to his respective dayroom area to watch it. I finished my work in the kitchen at 12:30. So I had enough time to take a shower and then head downstairs to find a seat. The timing was perfect because I got to see the most important parts of the event.

The prominent cry of both our new president and the populace is for change. But it remains to be seen what will happen to the United States in the future. I saw the hopeful multitudes. Their faces were aglow with happy smiles. However, my gut instinct tells me all is not well. And I say this because, from what I know about the Scriptures, we are not to place all our trust and hope in rulers and leaders. "Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help (Psalm 146:3)."

Certainly those who are in positions of authority are to rule, and we hope they do their task well and carry out their many responsibilities successfully. In addition, we're to pray for them too. Yet to elevate any one person to an almost messianic level where we think this man or woman is going to fix everything and somehow make everything right, is to set ourselves up for disappointment.

Furthermore, I think our nation has turned its back on God. Our politicians pay the Creator occasional lip service when they invoke His name during their speeches, but if we're honest, I doubt that many of America's leaders know the Lord intimately, nor do they follow His ways. Like the Israelites during the times when their love for God grew cold, the prophets would cry out, "You honor the Lord with your lips, but your heart is far from Him." Are we any different today?

Nevertheless, as a Christian, my prayer is for a nationwide revival which involves genuine godly repentance and a turning away from all that is sinful and wrong. This is my hope.

But for now I think we've got a difficult road ahead. And many Americans may become very disillusioned in the days and months to come when those whom they voted for in good faith do not come through.

This is all I have to say today.

D.B.

Note: For further reading about my thoughts on our nation please go to my journal entries for: November 11 and 12, 2006.

It was another busy day in the kitchen. I had to clean piles of pots and pans of all shapes and sizes. There were also dozens of large baking pans that were covered with a coating of shortening mixed with melted margarine. It's a pot washer's nightmare!

So to clean these items I would fill a large utility sink with hot, scalding water and an industrial strength detergent. I would scrub each pot or pan with a scouring pad. Of course I have to wear plastic gloves. Then, after soaking and scrubbing, I put each implement into a different sink which has a bleach solution in it. Here the items must soak for awhile before getting pulled out and transferred to a third sink to be rinsed in clean water. Next the wet pots and pans are placed on racks to dry. From here they get placed in the appropriate storage racks until it's time to be used again.

In a setting where approximately 800 meals are prepared at one time, the kitchen is run almost like an assembly line in a factory. In addition, because the cooks need to begin preparations for the next meal at least several hours in advance, it seems that no sooner do the pot washers return items to their respective storage shelves do the cooks come to take the pots and pans away. Everything is fast paced. It's a hot, humid and noisy place.

Furthermore, the kitchen crew at this facility has to prepare all the meals for the minimum security annex that's down the road. And this operation of feeding the inmates goes on for much of the day. There are three meals per day, seven days per week. It's a non-stop operation except for when the kitchen closes at 8 P.M. until it reopens to begin making the breakfast meal at five o'clock the next day.

For the kitchen's workers there's never a vacation. We have three shifts, too. And we must undergo regular inspections by the prison's staff as well as periodic inspections by Department of Health and food service personnel.

But I like the job. For the most part we have a good crew. We've got our workers and slackers, of course. Yet it's a good challenge for me because the work is hard. As a Christian, however, I see myself as working for the Lord. This is what really keeps me going.

D.B.

Working inside the kitchen of a maximum security prison is a challenge. I have to work side by side with men who come from many different backgrounds, who've committed all kinds of crimes. But the good part is that I happen to be with several Christian friends who are in the kitchen with me. And one of them is a light skinned black man who goes by the nickname, "Lil Smoothie." I would often tease Lil Smoothie about his name because there's nothing little or smooth about him. He's a stocky man with a big weight-lifter like frame and lots of muscles. Little Smoothie looks like a lineman for a football team. He can also be loud and boisterous at times, but in a good natured way.

Me and the handful of Christian men I work with, to include Little Smoothie, have a good time praising the Lord as we clean and scrub piles of pots, pans and dishes. And Lil Smoothie has the kind of humor which helps to make our work seem a little easier. Then, during our allotted break times we can retreat to the rest area and sit at a table to read and study our Bibles.

As I have expressed in some of my journal entries from last year, it's very humbling to work in a hot kitchen with the endless clanging and banging of steel pots and pans and they strike against metal or get plopped down on stainless steel table tops. In the kitchen long rows or huge kettles blow their steam while cooking rice, pasta, soup or vegetables. It's a busy place with men passing back and forth around you with brooms and mops and wagons filled with garbage.

In addition, the inmate kitchen workers have to prepare all the food for the minimum security prison that's down the road from the main facility. This leaves us with an extra 200 to 220 mouths to feed. But this may change soon because as it's been reported by the local news media, the prison's minimum security annex has been slated to close by the end of this year. It's part of a cost cutting measure to save the state money. For now, however, we must feed the annex and wash the pans they send back.

Yet with this aside, I thought it strange when Little Smoothie didn't come in to work this morning. I figured he may have had a medical appointment or perhaps he was expecting a visit from his family. Later, when I asked one of the correction officers who's assigned to the kitchen where Smoothie was, he told me that Smoothie had to remain in the cell block in order to pack his belongings. He was being transferred. I was bummed out when I heard this. The news took me by surprise.

Afterwards I learned that Little Smoothie was indeed being "packed up." This is prison parlance for an inmate having to place his personal property and everything he owns into a burlap or plastic potato sacks. Yes, whenever an inmate is being transferred to another facility, he's given potato sacs to put his belongings in. It's part of the prison system's "no frills" method of moving. Little Smoothie will be gone by tomorrow.

Fortunately for Little Smoothie, he only has a handful of years left to do to complete his prison sentence. So, as a matter of routine, the Office of Classification and Movement within the Department of Correctional Services, has apparently selected Smoothie to fill a bed at a medium security facility while a new inmate with a maximum security housing designation takes a cell and a bed here at Sullivan.

I'll probably never see Little Smoothie again until he and I get to heaven. He is one man I am definitely going to miss and I already have an ache in my heart. Smoothie loves God. He could be considered your one of a kind "life of the party" type person. Always funny, his booming voice could be heard all across the kitchen. I'm losing a good friend.

D.B.

King David is an example of a man who, by faith, withstood his adversaries. They would harass and attack him on an almost daily basis. He lived under continuous pressure because those who hated him would not rest until they saw David give up, but by God's grace he never did. Indeed Satan relishes bringing pain and hardship upon the lives of those who were once his subjects, and who follow him in ignorance. Yet they have since repented of their sins and now follow the Lamb of God, the Lord Jesus Christ.

As for myself, more than thirty years after my arrest, these voices of hate continue to rail against me. Publicly they will mouth words like "fraud" and "con artist." But what does it matter? I live to please God, not men. In addition, it is only to he Lord Himself whom I must one day give an account.

King David, likewise, had those who despised him. They tried to destroy him. And the apostle Paul, too. He was once a murderer of Christians whom God would later call to be a minister. He was labeled a troublemaker and a "pestilent" fellow. Paul was beaten many times, imprisoned, and dragged before tribunals because of his preaching of the gospel. And then there was the Lord, Himself. The religious rulers of Christ's day called Him a deceiver. Eventually He was put to death.

Therefore, shall not I, as a common Christian, sometimes encounter the same treatment? Of course I shall. And so shall every believer who desires to live for the Lord. All who want to honor the name of Jesus shall suffer varying degrees of persecution (2 Timothy 3:12) but the Lord is good. He will help me to turn the other cheek to those who hate me, to forgive them, and to move forward. Amen.

D.B.