January 2006

I am stepping into a new year full of anticipation and hope at what God is going to do. I live in victory. For the Bible says that I am "more than a conqueror" through Christ who loves me (Romans 8:37).

My peace and hope, therefore, is already settled. Now it is a matter of waiting upon the Lord to do something new and fresh with my life.

I know, too, that these are the days when evil appears to be increasing. The world is in turmoil. Yet I also know that where sin and wickedness exist, God’s mercy and grace are able to abound all the more. For the light shines the brightest when it is surrounded by deep darkness.

After all, God is still at work touching hearts and bringing strength to His children on His wings of healing.

God still loves the world (John 3:16), and He remains unwilling that anyone should perish, but instead come to repentance.

Now, as a new year begins, I hope to continue to touch one life at a time. I am thankful, too, for the continuous encouragement I derive from the Scriptures and from the Holy Spirit, as well as from my fellow Christians who have blessed my life with their prayers.

I must press on!

D.B.

The Scripture verse just before the one I quoted at the top of this page says to forget those things which are behind, and instead reach forth to those things that are ahead. And God knows how I want to forget the "dark parts" of my life when bad things happened and people got hurt.

I know from my own experience that Satan will try to do everything possible to keep me focused on the past. This is how he keeps multitudes in anguish and bondage. He uses the feelings of guilt, condemnation and regret, as these negative influences can cause a person to become depressed and filled with despair.

And if an individual has done many reprehensible acts, as I have, it will be normal then to have guilt and regret, and to sense the convicting ability of the Holy Spirit as He exposes sin. But in Christ, however, when I tell Him that I want to turn from my sins, and that I’m sorry for what I’ve done and don’t want to do bad things any more, that He then grants forgiveness.

Jesus, you see, helps me to let go of the past while at the same time teaches me to trust in His love. And while the past cannot be changed, altered or fixed, I am to keep my faith in God and on the future.

This is spiritual freedom. This is pressing toward the goal. Being forgiven as well as having a personal relationship with Christ is the prize.

D.B.

Jay’s* daughter, Valerie, died today. She was forty-one years old and left behind three children. The cause of death was complications from AIDS. Valerie lived a life of drug addiction with tons of self-inflicted pain.

Shortly after Christmas I saw Jay in the cell block wearing a troubled and downcast face. When I asked him what was up, he told me he’d just received word that his daughter was taken to the hospital and was in critical condition. She had been sick for awhile with HIV. Now her condition has worsened and, he confided, the family thought Valerie’s current stay might be her last.

I then asked Jay if he would allow me and another prisoner, Ramon, to pray for him. He did. So Ramon and I placed our hands on his shoulders and quietly prayed for him.

This occurred during the daytime when most of the men were at their work assignments or school programs. Jay and Ramon, like me, are a part of the cell block’s work crew.

And as the days passed Jay tried to stay in touch with his family via letters and telephone calls where he would get updates on his daughter. Then, right after the New Year, Valerie lapsed into a coma of which she would never emerge.

Today the phone rang in the chaplain’s office. A family member called to inform him that Jay’s daughter had died. He would have to tell him the news.

I think that no matter how long a man has worked as a prison chaplain, having to tell an inmate that a close relative has died is probably one of the hardest aspects of the job.

Of course I did not know what had transpired until later in the day when Jay approached me with the news. I then gave him a big hug and tried to encourage him as best I could. I told Jay that any time he wanted to talk I would be there for him.

Like me, Jay is doing a long prison sentence. He’s already been incarcerated for a number of years. And while I do not know if he is ever going to be released, if he does get out I hope he will be able to visit his daughter’s grave.

D.B.

*Jay is not his real name.

Oftentimes I have taken great comfort in this little known verse of Scripture. For it seems as if I live in a continuous swirl of storms and struggles, and trials and tribulations.

Jesus told His followers that we would face such things. Life will have its difficult moments when our faith will be tested to its limits.

I know that no one is exempt from disappointment, pain, or death. But the good news is that God has promised to always be with me. I shall NEVER find myself alone or forsaken. Thus my confidence and hope has been placed on His every promise.

In addition, I know I will be on this earth for only a limited amount of time. My future is in heaven. And even my present period of incarceration will one day become only a fading memory.

So I can say "Amen" to what God is doing in my life. He is the God of all comfort. The Lord is my strong hold, and He knows me.

D.B.

As of December 26, 2005 I returned to work at the prison’s E-North cell block. This is where the Intermediate Care Program is located and houses the men who have special needs, to include a variety of issues each may be dealing with that calls for extra attention from the facility’s Mental Health staff, and from me in my assigned role as an "Inmate Program Aide."

I am thankful to be back working in E-North. These men are very special and, as I have written many times in my journal, I sense a special calling to be among these guys as a helper, and friend, and as someone who will listen when they speak.

In this environment where cold-heartedness and aloofness is commonplace, having someone who genuinely cares is rare. So I bow my heart in gratitude that I have found enough favor with the facility’s staff to be allowed to work where I do. They have instilled a great deal of trust in me, and I pray I will never disappoint them.

Meanwhile, after two weeks being in the ICP Unit in the afternoons, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to pray with some of the inmates. I have been able to read the Bible to them as well as give assistance where needed.

D.B.

Lately I have had to limp through a valley of pain. Every Christian, I believe, knows about the valleys we must pass through on our journey to glory. There are valleys of tears, pain, sin, dryness, weariness, and so much more. But the Lord is faithful, and He never gives us more than we could bear.

After all, I have to wake up every morning to face bars of steel. Yet my joy remains full, and this is because of the grace of God and my hope in His word.

Nevertheless I shall be glad when my time of refreshing comes, for then I will be able to run and not grow weary. I shall walk and not faint. But in the meanwhile, however, my arthritis has been exceptionally painful. The area around my right hip and all along my right leg feels as if it’s on fire. Thus I can hardly walk, let alone do any running.

So I shall continue to await my healing, and I will daily seek to stay in the peace of God until it comes.

D.B.

When I went to work this afternoon I learned that one of the men from the Intermediate Care Program tried to take his life sometime after breakfast. He tried to hang himself.

I do not know how serious of an attempt it was. Now, however, he has been placed into an observation cell in the prison’s Mental Health Unit which is at a more isolated part of the facility, and where he could be watched constantly.

More than likely, within the next week or two he will be transferred to the Central New York Psychiatric Center in Marcy, New York. He may be confined here for a month or more, and until he stabilizes. Then he will be returned to either this prison or another one to continue serving his sentence.

I take it personally when one of these guys gets so depressed and desperate that he opts to self-destruct. Ironically, when I saw this man the day before he seemed normal and well adjusted. He was laughing and joking with me. Yet for some reason the bottom fell out.

It has been said that men who are without hope are dangerous men. They think they have nothing to live for. Depression causes them to look at the world through a dark prism.

I do know this particular individual has struggled with suicidal impulses for many years. There’s a war raging inside his head. Yet this is why I am thankful to be assigned to ICP. I am here to be a friend, minister, helper and encourager. People like him need to be shown a lot of compassion.

D.B.

Last night I tossed and turned and I writhed in pain. I hardly slept. This morning, too, the pain was so intense that I had to stay back from church.

I almost never miss Sunday service. But today I had to send word with a Christian who lives in my cell block to tell the chaplain that I wouldn’t be there. I know there are well qualified elders in my congregation who could easily fill in for me. I also sent instructions for the congregation to pray for certain persons and some urgent situations.

Yet even though I stayed behind because I can hardly walk, I had an awesome time of worship, prayer, and Scripture reading in my cell.

While my lower back feels like a fire and a sharp stabbing pain is repeatedly striking the area around my right hip, I am instead choosing to focus on the mercy and glory of God.

Today it feels as if the Lord of the universe has been my constant companion, and of course He always is. But He has made His presence known in a personal way. His grace is enough to get me through unrelenting and excruciating pain. And tomorrow He will do the same.

D.B.

It’s now almost eight o’clock in the evening. Soon I plan to get on line for a shower and then return to my cell for the night.

A few hours ago, however, as I was walking in my pain (I have now begun to suffer from "Osteoarthritis"), the Holy Spirit seemed to quicken a word in my heart that one day I am going to be done with this decaying body; I will be done with the devil too.

The fact is my body is wearing down. Like an old car, one part at a time stops working properly. But very soon I will have a whole new body. It will not be subject to aches, pains and sorrows. It will only know endless joy. Furthermore, there will be no more Satan!

One day, by the mercy of Jesus, I will be going into a realm where no disease and no demon will be able to touch me. I will be living with Jesus, forever.

Knowing all this keeps me going forward in faith and hope, never quitting.

D.B.

For the past several months I have been experiencing a degree of physical agony because of osteoarthritis. Walking has been difficult with sharp pains going up and down my right leg and originating from my lower back. Sitting has been just as difficult.

Interestingly, however, last week I had gotten into a discussion about my ailment with another prisoner. He had queried me as to why I was limping, and I then explained to him what I have been going through.

He in turn told me that he too had suffered from the same thing, and that his battle with arthritis and sciatica lasted for about a year. He also said that at times his condition was so bad that he needed to use a walker. I had a hard time picturing him like this since he is a muscular black man, built like a football player, and he’s only about forty years old.

Jazzman*, said to me, "Dave, get yourself some cranberry juice." I laughed because it sounded silly that cranberry juice was supposed to do something for my crippling pain.

Only yesterday I had been in the doctor’s office, and he basically said there was nothing I could do for osteoarthritis other than taking pain mediation. I don’t like taking pills, however, and I know the long term affects of continued use of pain-killers and anti-inflammatory drugs could be negative and do irreversible damage to my stomach, liver and kidneys. So I told the doctor, "No thanks."

But then I remembered what Jazzman said about cranberry juice. So out of curiosity I ordered two twelve ounce cans of juice, which is the only cranberry product my commissary offers. I figured that even if the juice did not work on my pain, I would still get some nutritional benefits. Each can claims on its label to have 100% of vitamin C.

Then, yesterday evening, I drank my first can before I went to sleep. I didn’t expect anything to happen. But, amazingly, this morning when I opened my eyes and began to get off my bunk, there was almost no pain in my lower back or in my right leg.

Prior to this, for the past three plus months, whenever I awoke it felt as if a shark had sunk its teeth into my leg. I hobbled in pain with every step I took. And now I found myself standing on the concrete floor in the middle of my cell with nothing more than a slight residual tingle of pain that was manageable.

I felt so good that at 10 o’clock this morning when the recreation yard opened I went outdoors to walk in the fresh air. I walked for approximately sixty of the ninety minutes I was allotted in the yard.

Then, later this afternoon, I went to the chapel for our Saturday worship service with the men who visit us from Times Square Church in New York City.

Tonight I plan to drink my second can. I’m not sure if it was the juice that made me better. I know, of course, that God can use ordinary things to do His work. But if it is the cranberry juice, then I am grateful to the Lord for creating cranberries!

I’ll see what happens as time goes on.

D.B.

*Jazzman is his nickname.

Sundays are always busy for me. This morning I was in the chapel for the main worship service of the week. The volunteer minister who came in to encourage us, "Brother Alan," is an ex-con. He did a handful of years in prison, but he’s been out for a long time.

Presently Alan works in the garment industry and he is active in his church. He’s also raising his teenage son. Brother Alan always inspires me because he’s a success story, and he has walked in my shoes. He understands the struggles prisoners have.

At my chaplain’s direction, and after another man finished making the weekly announcements to the congregation, I began the service by getting the men to worship and praise the Lord.

I was also able to share with the men about my situation concerning my lower back and right leg, and how I began drinking cranberry juice before bedtime. The guys had a laugh with this, yet the juice seems to be having an affect.

Last night I drank my second and final can. This morning, thankfully, for the second day in a row my pain has been minimal. I have been able to walk easily, and I was on my feet all morning without any problems.

I believe the Lord has heard and responded to my cries of distress. I also have the feeling these guys are going to be buying a lot of cranberry juice from the prison’s commissary.

D.B.

I continue to live in a season of testings where my simple faith in the Lord Jesus is being tried by fiery trails. Yet somehow the Spirit of my God is giving me the grace and divine strength to hold on.

I am learning, too, what it means to be "killed" all the day long, to be required to die to my flesh and my own desires. I am realizing that nothing in this world is my own. I have nothing but Jesus, and when it is time for me to leave this world, I will be taking nothing with me but Jesus.

For instance, one particular "fiery trial" I am going through at present concerns some litigation that is before the New York Supreme Court. I haven’t spoken about this very much in my journal, as it is a very complex matter and much too burdensome to explain.

But for the past year or thereabouts I have been seeking to do what is right, just and fair. And I am observing, too, that even though I am a child of God and I belong to Jesus, I can still experience loss. Being a Christian is no assurance that the judicial system will go in my favor or that anyone would even care about my pain.

All said I only have the Lord Jesus to turn to. I can pour out my heart to Him and the Messiah of Israel will listen. He will wipe the tears from my eyes and soothe my hurt with His love.

I have a Comforter the world knows nothing about.

D.B.